What a waste.

2009-03-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

I've been afraid to write these things down. Scared of confronting them with more than just a brief thought and a pat on the back.

Dad,
I'm not angry with you anymore. I don't regret our last conversation, or my decision to leave you out of my life. There is a sickening sadness inside of me that wishes we could have resolved things better - but it's time to move on with my life. I can fix things without you, and being angry with you will never allow me to move forward with my life. I told you that I hope you die alone - those were my last words to you. You probably will.

Mom,
I've lived my whole life to make sure you were ok. Please don't put me in the position I'm really close to being in. Please get your shit together so I'm not stuck taking care of you forever.

L,
Last year, god last year was awful. You cheated on me with - lord only knows how many women. I wasn't your only girlfriend. I took care of you when your world fell apart around you. I watched you tear your life apart piece by piece and I was fucking THERE for you. I didn't give up on you, you gave up on yourself. Once that is done there's nothing I can do, I had to let you go. I still miss you. I hope you realize all of those awful things you said about me weren't true. I hope you're OK.

M,
I'm not that 16 year old girl with stars in her eyes anymore. You don't know me, you don't love me. You love the idea of me in your head. I wonder why you can't let me go? You chose her, so stay with her ("she" has been someone else every time). How many times have you broken my heart? I lost count too long ago. The layers of our relationship are like a thick, juicy onion. It makes me weep.

B,
"If I loved you, could I leave you here?"
Those words haunt me. Late at night just before sleep. I glance at the spot I was in when you said it. I don't know if you said that to try to make it easier for me to let go - or if you meant it. And I don't know which one would hurt more. Everything I do has an element of you in it. Maybe because it's so recent, so fresh. I wish I had never met you, I mean that with every ounce of sincerity in my body. I always knew you'd leave this city, I just didn't think you'd leave me. I can only hope you remember me and wince, and feel deep regret. This is my city B, you never wanted to be here, you got what you wanted. Now get out of my head.

D,
I've written a million things about you and us. You gotta let it go, I did. I'm sorry, deeply.

Me,
Stop breaking your own heart. Let go of the things that are causing you too much pain. Remember that pain is necessary but you can't let it eat you from the inside out. Stop getting so discouraged on a whim. Keep pushing through with school, with love, with life. Be free! Remember what it's like to drive in the car with the windows down and the music blaring, speeding down the freeway. It's nobody's fault but your own when you're angry, people can do things you do, they can do terrible things to you Tara but you have to let it all go. You are in charge of your feelings, no matter how out of control you feel sometimes. Fall in love again, do it a million times! And if that's not enough, do it a million more. You never did anything wrong, it wasn't your fault, you were always good enough for them, for all of them. They knew it too, they didn't want you to know it. Now that you've realized what you are worth don't let anyone push you into any corners or make you feel that way again. Never wonder what you could have done, who you could have been, how you could have saved things. You couldn't, and now it's time to leave it all behind. Never forget your past, but don't let it keep you from moving forward. Keep moving forward.

2008-03-02T01:26:00.000-08:00

every time, it's the same thing. i am hurting and you do it on purpose.. i guess i do it to myself. i can't keep doing this. i feel so lost right now. please end. oh god please just end

2008-02-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

you can't blink away tears that aren't coming, or hold in a sob that's not there. crying doesn't come easy sometimes, and it sure don't come cheap.

YOU.CHEATED.ON.ME.

YOU DID IT! And I'm sitting here, broken hearted, unable to even cry about it. And not only did you cheat on me, you beat it into my fucking head that you didn't trust me. Time after time you went on and on with these jealous tirades, you kicked and screamed just to let me know you thought I was unfaithful.

Your drinking, your jealousy, and overall paranoia have taken their toll on me. You gave me the ultimate diss and I feel like my heart has dropped on the floor frozen, and shattered into a million tiny little pieces.

I am better than you. Let's make that crystal clear. I deserve so much more than you gave me.

But if one more fucking person SMUGLY tells me "I KNEW IT.." I will punch them in the god damn face. That's just a fucking kick to the gut to say shit like that to someone when they are down. Fuck you all.

I don't get it..

2008-01-27T16:19:00.000-08:00

Why is it that every person with a bigoted or biased opinion thinks it's my obligation to respect their opinions? I don't get it. You hear it all the time, people say, "You should respect my opinions." and go off on some tangent about the first amendment or some other completely other useless excuse of a reason.

Do you know who else has the right to form an opinion? Child molestors, murderers, cult leaders, KKK members, Nazis, etc. So before you go off on some tirade and tell everybody that you have a RIGHT to think and say whatever you want, essentially, you do. But that doesn't mean that I or anyone else has to sit there and stomach your bullshit and feign "respect".

I respect opinions that differ from my own, I mean, it's simple. I have a great deal of respect for people who can give me a thought out, intelligent response to a question or opinion of my own. People that just throw out opinions on things that they have no real knowledge about are the ones that really just get under my skin. So let's go ahead and throw shit to a wall and see what sticks! That's what that feels like to me.

So telling me something like "gays shouldn't get married", and not backing up your statement with a fucking solid bit of information? Well that's just not acceptable. And then throwing a fit when I tell you that I don't respect your opinion? That's just fucking childish. Respect is earned, not handed out like a fucking Participation ribbon at the science fair. I will not coddle you and pretend that you're a smart and useful person if you can sit there and not respect other people's rights and then DEMAND my respect for your bigotry.

It's not enough that you can just think of something and state it as truth! It's not, and it never will be!

2007-09-17T00:25:00.001-07:00

I can't help feeling like I'm going to be abandoned at any second. It's why it takes me so long to let anyone get close. I have to be sure. But you can never be sure, it's the chance you take no matter how many precautions you are careful to follow.

If I read this blog and wasn't me I'd assume that Tara was one batshit insane bitch. Truth is, I guess I am. But the tara that writes her heart out is not the tara that anyone else sees. She is funny, confident, and sarcastic. She always has a witty comeback and goes into situations with confidence. She tells people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear, without being a total bitch about it. She doesn't show too much emotion, not even when her heart is broken. I spend my life trying to live up to this image i've made for myself. Most of it is me, some of it is a front. Everyone puts up a front, nobody is above living up to expectations from yourself or others. It's the way life goes.

I smile and laugh and joke, and all I want to do sometimes is crawl back into bed and never come out. It's hard out there, I don't want to keep this up forever. Where is the payoff? What am I busting my ass for? Why do I retreat back into this place every time I am doing something positive with myself? I'm going back to school and working full time. Both are full time, it's so hard that sometimes I come home so exhausted that I can't sleep. You have to bust your ass for anything in this life worth having. The path of less resistance is full of mine fields.. Why is love so hard? Why are relationships so hard? I have great, wonderful friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm so good with people, so why are my relationships so muddy?

and why doesn't knowing the answer to that make it any better?

the past year has been full of changing, and wonderful things. I stopped my anxiety medication, I went back to school, I got out of that job that was making me miserable.. On paper, I'm the happiest bitch on the planet. And really, I am happy, more than I have been since I can even remember..

But why can't I just get love right, for once?

2007-09-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday.. I felt nothing.

Today, I feel everything.

Denial.

It can't be over. It just fucking can't. Over that? Are you serious? This is just a big joke, you'll show up at my door, crying. you'll be sorry. you'll do something. you will, you will, you will.

You won't...

Bargaining.

If I take a risk, do something, anything, you'll come back. Or I'll be ok. Or maybe I'll stop crying when nobody is looking. Or maybe it might just not have happened. What can I do?

Nothing.

Anger.

You asshole. After everything I've put up with, for a year, you can do this? Just leave me standing there, dumbfounded, tears rolling down my cheeks.. And you break up with me with a text message. I'm not worth more than a text message to you? You can't tell me with your own mouth. The minute I give in to your constant stubborn shit and fall in love with you YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT. There are so many things I'm angry about right now, get out of my head, stay away from my dreams. Stop violating everything I do, the most intimate of moments is invaded by you and the vision of your face sets me off into a deep, deep rage.

Despair.
The desperation clings to me. I'm trying, so so so hard not to want you back right now. You lit me up inside. I'm dizzy, I can't eat, sleep, or think straight. I'd give anything for that to not have happened, for us to be ok again. Pure and utter sadness has engulfed me right now. I'm smiling, and laughing, and all I want right now is to punch a wall, sleep it off, have a drink. But I can't, I can't because that's not me. I will get through this, I will and I've been through worse. Yeah it sucks but I have to suck it up and smile.

Acceptance.
I changed my phone number. Just in case you change your mind. I could never tell you to leave me alone, so I'm going to make sure I don't have to. I'd move if I could, just to erase any shadow of doubt in my mind. It's over and I am moving on, I feel like shit. I hate starting over. I feel like I'm constantly picking up the pieces of my broken heart and putting it back together just to hand it to another clumsy asshole. I hope you know how I feel threefold, I hope you're hurting really badly right now. I know of a million ways to make it harder on you, too. But I'm going to leave it alone, I'm going to leave you alone. Getting back at you will not make me better, it won't make me stronger.

2007-09-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

another sad walk down heartbreak lane. you told me that it's over. the shelf life of a relationship with tara has gone up to a year, at least. what was it this time? i gave your friend my number, your best friend. innocent. so that we could be friends, so i could be part of your world. he hits on me, so i tell you. and you let me go. all because i couldn't go another minute without telling you the truth. i didn't hit on him, i never would.

i'm sorry that you feel that way. but once you realize i'm really gone, you're going to regret that decision.

2007-08-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

School and work are draining, I'm so tired. Loving you exhausts me. Wanting you to love me wears me down.

Really, I do it to myself. That will never change. Pain keeps me going, it makes me thrive. If everything was always perfect nobody would have any motivation to move forward. Progression is reality, reality hurts, pain makes us progress.

The problem here, is that when you hurt me, you don't progress. The person that I am now wouldn't hurt you to get back at you. I'm growing and you're not, you're in the same place, stuck. Cause I won't hurt you, I won't make you move forward.

I'm not sure what I'm more scared of.. Success or Failure.

ouch

2007-08-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

I need to take a step back and let you take over. Yesterday I realized that I keep pushing and directing you. You screwed up, and you screwed up so badly the other night. I keep picking up the mess you make of me every time. I need you to make this up to me without having to walk behind you and tell you where to go. I need you to direct this relationship where you want it to go. I can't set my expectations somewhere and have you step all over them. I've made it too easy for you to be lazy about me. You do not treat me like a part of your life. I feel like more of a break from your real life, and that hurts me. And it is partly my fault for letting things get this way. I really do hope that you step up and show me that I mean something, I want this to go somewhere good. But this is where my goodwill ends. This will be the last time I sit around waiting for a change from you. It feels like you try so hard to get in, just to stop when I open the door. Well congratulations, I love you.

And I've never felt so alone.

Friends hate your boyfriend?

2007-08-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why your friends don't like your boyfriend?

Maybe if you didn't call us crying in the most dramatic fashion every week, telling us IN DETAIL, all of the awful, terrible, dumb things he does to you. Hell you're probably just lying so that we will listen to your skank ass go on about how MISERABLE you are. Well guess what, tomorrow, when you are all made up and happen to forget that he maybe crossed the line? I'm not going to have forgotten, because while you are idiotic and blinded by whatever you think Love is. Do you really expect me to love somebody who tells you that you are not worth shit, and physically throws you out of YOUR place of business? And YOU run back to HIM with OPEN arms, and expect ME and everyone around you to BE ACCEPTING and act like WE are the assholes for not liking him?????

And if none of this is my fucking business anyway why the fuck do you tell me about every dramatic, PITY ME filled detail? Why don't you do one of the following:

Get a new fucking boyfriend. Oh wait, every time you do that he's worse than the last.

You're stupid, GOD I hope to jebus you don't get pregnant. EVER.

Stop bitching about him. If you don't want me to hate your dumbass boyfriend stop talking about how shitty he is. Simple as that. I don't mind listening, but don't get pissed off when I tell you that I think he's an asshole and you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, I tell you, to your face. Which is better than the rest of our friends, they are content with laughing at you when you're not around.

Convert to a nun/lesbian or whatever other cliche bullshit you want to throw at me this week. Yeah, original! no matter what you were you'd still be a retarded, dramatic bitch.

Or my personal favorite? Own up to your actions. You put up with him and so that makes you just as bad, if not worse than he is. Get a clue somewhere else, I'm tired of trying to give you one.

2007-08-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

Here I am, wishing I could explain to you why I am so messed up inside. You want so badly to be the one to fix me, you're standing there, always looking at me. Always waiting for me to let you in. I've been resilient, hurtful to you. The closer you come the more I lash out. You stubbornly stay right outside of the gate, staring at me with that intensity. I've never had a real man in my life before. I never realized what it was to have somebody accept and care for me, to pull me close and not let go at night in bed. Sometimes when you are sleeping I just cry, I can't stop, I don't want to. In the past I've dedicated myself to lost causes, I've sought love out from somebody who wasn't capable of loving me. When that came crashing down I stayed hurt for a long time. I was still broken when I met you, so I took my time. I kept you so far away, and like a bull you pushed and kicked your way closer. You are the most stubborn person I've ever known, and you're stupid for wanting me. I'm so broken, and I keep expecting for you to walk away. I fear that when I finally turn myself completely over, you will.

Please don't walk away.

2007-02-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

It means something, that I can think about what has become of us and not cry. And the worst part is - I think you're worse off than I ever was about it. I had to do a lot of changing, crying, yelling.. I had to ruin a few more things before I could let everything go. I told you the worst things about yourself, and you took them, and you forgave me. But you had to, because you said things too, and you were trying to be fair. And to think you suffered more than me throughout this endless affair... I used to hope that you knew how I felt, and to learn that you did the whole time kind of breaks my heart all over again.. Because no matter what happened or what you said, nobody should have to feel how I did. I guess nobody ever takes into consideration the feelings of the gunman. Everyone wants to know about the guy with the bullet through his heart. He has to live in a cell for a very long time thinking about the person whose heart he shattered into a million pieces.

So I am sorry. For everything. You were not the only one at fault. But you sure did make that bed you're sleeping in.

2007-01-28T19:34:00.000-08:00

you will always leave me, and i will always be alone. you made me grow up to think i was not good enough, to believe that i never could be. my young mind was so fragile and you broke it for your lack of caring, your selfishness. i wish you were not my father. i can't forgive you, and i can't forgive any man in my life. my heart aches all of the time, i expect every man in my life to disappear or break my heart. it's only just a matter of time. my self loathing increases as time goes by. crying doesn't work anymore. i wish you weren't my dad.

2007-01-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

it was so hard to believe you
but even harder to leave you
i keep smiling to deceive you

2007-01-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

hello, new year. You came too fast, too soon. Last year is a distant memory, here you come to wash it all away. Since you're here, and don't look like you're going away anytime soon.. I've been sitting here, with my eyes closed.. waiting for everything to be over. I opened my eyes too soon a few times, I didn't give myself enough time. And I learned patience, I learned forgiveness. And I moved on.. My eyes are open and I'm exploding all over my world
But happiness and myself rarely ever get along.. It's my fault, and I know that.. but I like myself

missing you...

2006-12-20T01:06:00.000-08:00

i miss you.
i miss you and everything we do. i miss smiling with you and laughing at you. i miss hearing about your stupid day even though it was never really funny just kind of amusing. i miss your voice and you telling me blah blah blah even though god damn it irritated me and still does.. i miss hearing your stupid nicknames for me, and even worse, i never thought they were stupid. i miss the way you listened to me and thought i was funny. i miss how you always thought the world of me in spite of all my flaws and EVERYTHING. and it's not like that's even gone.. it's just that you're not around anymore. and i try really hard to tell myself that it's a lie and that you're not around for a good reason i know it's not true. i know you have a lot on your plate right now.. but i'm still hurt and i'm still wanting you in the worst way. talking to you tonight gave me the worst yearing feeling for you... i want you. i would give up anyone for you. and i mean that with all of my heart. i love you, i love you and god damn this hurts me. i try, i really do, ok? it just won't work much longer.

2006-11-29T15:00:00.000-08:00

i'm just a little confused. i ruin everything before anything has the chance to be explained. i react without thinking or getting the truth. and i run away before you have the chance to tell me yes or no.

but if the answer is no it'll break my heart

2006-11-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

I'm so scared to tell you what I really feel.

2006-11-09T14:47:00.000-08:00

now you know.. it doesn't feel good does it? you said you loved me but I was never first in line. or even second in line at some point. So, ha to you, I hope it feels good. I hope now that you are alone you think about me and how you could have had me. Cause you can't now no matter what you do.

it's just funny!

2006-11-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

Why are you so perfect? And, why do I get the feeling this will all come crashing down on me? Cause I always do it, and that self destruct button everybody always tells you not to push, well.. Sometimes you just can't help yourself, can you? Wrong, sometimes I just can't help MYself. It's terrible, and I break my own heart constantly, but it's the only way I know how to be. But I'm trying, I'm trying not to push that button.

You're so understanding, and honest, and beautiful. Do I even deserve you? I find myself falling deeper and deeper for you every day.. Please don't hurt me :(

2006-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I guess you're not as mature as I thought. Which, to be honest, wasn't an opinion you should be proud of in the first place. I guess giving friendship a try with you would be a lot like giving Abe Lincoln mouth to mouth and expecting a revival. But, contrary to what I thought I would feel - I don't care. Be bitter, angry.. holy fuck, hate me. I don't care anymore. I cared so much about what you thought for so long and now, being able to feel nothing when you're being the dick you so generally are .. feels pretty good. Like being reborn, I am free of you. Not like you ever chained me to you, I did it myself. I know that, I always knew that. But you never let me go when I needed you to the most. You didn't want me, but you kept me, and that hurt me for a long time.

I'm falling in love with somebody else. (Oh my god!)

I am growing up, slowly but surely..

2006-09-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

ometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss

ou know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't to do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that

I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

2006-08-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

Another year older. It feels OK, I suppose. There are worse feelings. Dinner was nice, there were friends and drinks all around. Then we went dancing. I was blasted, everything was good. Life is falling into place. Getting older I realize that angst and frustration is melting away. I stopped taking my prozac. I stopped crying over .. well you know ..

I went to Jessie's wedding. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Her mother didn't show up, it broke my heart. Her father wasn't alive to walk her down the aisle, and her sister is too drugged up to remember or care. I cried when her uncle made a speech and said "Your father was walking right beside me down the aisle Jess". And I cried to myself later, because deep down I do wish that I was in that bridesmaid's dress taking beautiful pictures and sitting with Jessie. I wanted to leave, it hurt so badly that I almost did. But Andre made me stay, he wouldn't just let me ditch my friend's wedding to pout and get drunk. I guess I really know what it means when someone saves you from yourself. That was my Karma, for telling her I didn't want to be in her wedding. Even though she was a bitch to me, even though things were the way they were, even though that really was what I wanted. I could barely even look at her all night. I guess for what it's worth.. I'm sorry Jessie.

Andre is wonderful, he's my roommate, and one of the best friend's I will ever have. We're like a married couple without the sex.. with each other anyway ;)

I have been trying to sort some things out in my head, I guess that's why I haven't been posting at all lately. I doubt anyone's noticed, and all, but god it's been like, crazy. Things keep changing, for the better and for the worst. But I'm mostly comfortable for now. Like I don't miss the crazy whirl, the crying, or the pain.

I guess I'm just OK :)

2006-07-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

Jessie: You're back. I get it, I gave in, god why did I give in?
D: You're back. I don't really get it. Why do I always give in?
Blaxican: You're back, and I get it. And I'm glad. Giving in can be nice.

I'm moving out tomorrow. Bye Mom. Bye old life. Hello old friends.

Why are you back? Again? I give up, on trying to escape you. All of you. Living in peace is just too easy, I guess. But if it means anything, I am trying. I am trying to be forgiving, and patient, and kind. It's not easy, it's not even remotely fun, but I'm still trying.

Well I have to start packing..

Keep your bitches in the backyard

2006-07-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

"It feels like inside you really hate me."

But I don't, and I can't, and trust me, I've tried.

"Whether or not you believe it I felt terrible.."

I do but you still said it so WHATEVER.

"..Too much on my plate for a relationship right now.."

Umm???

"Too wrapped up in everything else to see how beautiful you are inside and out.."

About fucking time.

"Fantasize about you.."

Good.

Now bye.

2006-06-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

"are you seeing anyone?"

"why?"

"Just wonderin"

"why would you ask me that? why, are you seeing someone, want to rub it in?"

"no I'm not seeing anyone"

2006-05-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

I've spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out what to do with myself.

And I'm no closer now than I was 21 years ago. There is no answer. There are no clues, no REAL clues. Nothing is set in stone, things change from day to day. Priorities change, people change, minds change, love changes, and relationships change. And I change, every other week you'll see me with a new hair color, though eventually you can be sure it will be a pretty blond hue and that's a fact. I change my clothing, I change my style all the time. I change my hairstyle, my makeup, my shoes, and my diet. I change these things because I can control these things. I'm beyond sick to death with changing love and people who aren't who you thought they were and how my opinion changes all the god damned time. And D? This is for you, too. I'm eternally tired of the phrase don't know if I ever loved you because it makes my eyes well up with tears. And why you had to say it. You denied it later but you said it. See how you change? See how things are constantly mixing you up inside? I've spent the last six months or so just feeling not good enough. I'm sick of NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH, because I AM good enough, I AM and I just wish for one second I could feel worth it again. I wish I could change that, but I can't so I change everything else.

I may look pretty today but it's still not good enough

2006-05-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

The dreams won't stop.
So I guess for now I'm stuck with you, whether I like it or not. Since you're here? Can I tell you something?

I'm still hurt. I'm not angry, though, like you would expect.. And I haven't been for a while. But I'm hurt and feeling down about myself and maybe that's not your fault, but damn it, it feels that way.

life changing moments

2006-04-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Leslie - my version.

"One day can make your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is is four or five days that change everything."
~ Beverly Donofrio, Riding In Cars With Boys

I remember walking home, bawling my eyes at, sans discretion. let the world fucking hear how much I hate you right now.. Going over and over what just happened. He just had sex with that girl he just met, he did it while I was at his house, and he did it to hurt me. It's 4AM and I'm passing his car, eyeing my keys, glancing at her car. well fuck them both, I might be angry but fuck me if I get caught keying someone's car. He's not worth it. I walked home that night, all the way home freezing. Wearing flip flops and no sweater, crying and cold. The funny part is that I did not feel a thing, the cold, my throbbing feet. All I could feel was the utter, shameful, heartbreak. That left me numb for a while.
We snuck into the high school at 1am. I was visiting my father in California and had myself a summer fling. He was beautiful, in every way to me. And there we were, in this small country town, in their small country high school all alone in a courtyard. Full view of every star god ever made, the only thing shining the light on our faces was the sky. He looks me in the eyes, cradles my face with his hands. "You are so beautiful, did you know that?" He says to me. And then he kissed me, my first kiss.. We walked home holding hands and starry eyed. That was the most beautiful moment I can remember in my life. It was so innocent, so free of drama or complications. I will remember it forever.. I broke up with him a week later. Unfortunately, I spend my life trying to top that first kiss.
One day - I couldn't take her shit anymore. So I stood up to my mother. I spend most of my childhood letting her get crazy and never ever saying a fucking PEEP about it. It's not that I was afraid of her, she was yelling at me about something, god I couldn't remember if I tried. So I finally stood up to her. She threatened to hit me, so I told her, HIT ME, go ahead!! If that's what you need to do, do it just fucking hit me, but I won't sit around wiht my fucking mouth shut any more and just take it. And she hit me, so I got back up, and she threatened me again, and she hit me again. So I got up and said, I AM NOT GOING TO SHUT UP, BUT GO AHEAD, YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND FUCKING HIT ME YOU FUCKING BITCH, JUST HIT ME!! And she did. And from that point on, I let it go. I let her go, and it still breaks her heart, but that was the day I found my independance, and my voice. And I still wonder to myself how I found the courage to stand up to her. She talks about that day - sometimes - and it is in her perspective that she was a badass and "put me in my place." I'll always know better.
When my best friend hooked up with the guy I lost my virginity to right in front of me, and my heart snapped in half. There's a little piece of that night in every date, hook up, or relationship that I have. Things like that make you realize early that, no matter how close you are to someone, they can hurt you in ways you could have never thought. And they will..
When my father told me "you get fatter every time I see you". I had never realized I was fat.. I was just a happy 12 year old. Thanks for the eating disorder, pops.

I guess that's all for now without getting into a novel. I walked away from those experiences not a different person, but with a new perspective.

2006-04-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

That last post was not about D, Daphne. Just wanted to get that out of the way. I haven't spoken to him or really thought about him much for a while. There was a tile when I thought to myself - IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN POSSIBLY JUST FUCKING THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE AND JUST MOVE ON?!?!

And then I kind of did. If I saw him calling, to be honest, I don't know what it is I would do. Pick up? Act like nothing happened? Not answer? Then Stew on it for a while and call him back while I was drunk somewhere in a club and just start screaming at him for ruining me? Why go there again? What I hope to be able to do, is pick up the phone, tell him that it's over, and there's no need to keep in contact, and be on my merry way.

But who knows? It's weird, the things that can stir up feelings long buried, memories you wished would just die already. I can't honestly say I've stopped thinking about him altogether, or that it still doesn't hurt, or that I still don't love him. What I can say, is that I've stopped thinking about him constantly, and I don't feel like shit about it anymore. It hurts, but only sometimes, when that really sweet memory floats into my head, that one that made you realize you love someone, it'll come around every so often. And it doesn't knock you on your ass, but it does make the edges of your eyes well up. All you ultimately feel is this.. unfixable loss, and it stings, but it doesn't ruin your day. And I'll love him for a long time, I can't just turn that off, as much as I would like to. I knew I loved him and wanted him since I can remember.

I'm too medicated, too tired, too busy having fun, to feel sick about him anymore. Life is coming together in an OK kind of way. But I am over him. I get it - people break up and it sucks but they move on. What else are they supposed to do? My grandmother still hasn't gotten over my grandpa - and they were divorced for 15 years until he passed away. She loved him until the day he died and she still loves him. She will never move on, and however poetic and beautiful it is? It also has the tendency to make you that crazy old bleached blond woman who tans entirely too much, smokes too many cigarettes, and tries to make every other person on the planet feel like they are never good enough.

I don't want to turn into my grandmother.

Or my mother

2006-03-21T13:04:00.000-08:00

You... You and your sneaky shit. Have I told you lately that I hate you? Have I told you lately to stop calling me? NO, I haven't. I'm done arguing with you altogether. Well, it's my fault for answering for a number I didn't know. It's not that I'm trying to cause any drama. Actually I'm just trying to keep your idiocy out of my FUCKING life. I don't care who you are anymore, and I stopped caring, like, ages ago.

And I guess the fact that I'm still writing about it proves that, right?

2006-03-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

You would have to be borderline boring, and vastly undersexed to enjoy one of those "men with muscles that dance around with no shirts and make innuendo about their packages" shows. And I should know, I sat through the horror that is "Thunder from Down Under". Now, don't get me wrong, they got the energy going and all, and I had an OK time because I was with friends who DID enjoy the show.. But for chrissake please don't ever make me sit through that again! I yawned! A lot! And it was only 11:30 on a friday night! I had more fun finding the bathroom! Oh look A BATHROOM! THIS IS AWESOME! You wouldn't believe what I had to drink to endure this show. And no, I am not a prudish woman who gets all uncomfortable around that shit. I go to strip clubs, enough to prove that, anyway.

2006-03-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

I don't expect the world to move underneath me but for god's sake, could you try?
-kelly clarkson

2006-03-06T14:23:00.000-08:00

I saw my father. He did not say anything negative. He looked shocked, to be honest. I bet he thought I'd embarass him in front of his new girlfriend. Part of me wishes I would have disappointed him, just because I know a part of him thinks he had something to do with my growing up into a mature woman, and I know that he had absolutely nothing to do with it. But this is who I am, and it's not an act, and I HAVE grown into a mature (young) woman, whether I like it or not. And I guess part of growing up is letting that stuff go. He told my brother that I have gotten very mature, he tells me I looked wonderful and bought me a pretty expensive purse - for no particular reason, he just saw me getting all google eyed about it then bought it and gave it to me. I can't help but wonder how much of that was to impress the new girlfriend, though (she has daughters that are my age that -hate- him), as if to say: Hey, look at the great relationship I have with my daughter! Do you see?? She just LOVES me! JUST LOOK! Whatever, it was probably just because I didn't show my cleavage or curse and he just couldn't believe it.

But he did the funniest thing I have ever seen - I took him to a night club.. And he danced. There is nothing funnier than the old person dance. It's kind of like a hip-shaking, arm moving thing. The only way to describe it - well really there is no way to describe it. It just is what it is.

And beyond my Dad - life has been OK. Some days I feel sort of like a zombie, just kind of living to get to the next day. Other days I am happy again. But it's starting to balance itself out, there are more happy days and less zombie days. I think I understand though, that I appreciate both kinds of days. But I have been laughing more - it still counts if I'm laughing at people, right?

Oh, and I hung out with my older brother. He rocks.

2006-02-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

I made the mistake of letting that thought turn into a daydream. I couldn't let it go, I didn't even fight it this time. It carried me away and I let it.. And for a few minutes? I felt good, like, better than I've felt in the longest time. My mind has been so busy, I hadn't realized it.. But I forgot how to get lost in my daydreams. I've been too wrapped up thinking about how shitty things are. So I let go and let myself think about the good things that happened. I guess - that no matter what happened, I felt what I felt and it is totally over.. and I always knew that, but I'm finally OK with that. Things were good and they were bad, but you know? I'll remember it for the rest of my life, but I can't sit around being depressed all the time because it's over. I think that I've always been more comfortable being miserable, so sometimes, I get that way and stay there maybe longer than I should. But - that's just who I am. I'm not scared of moving forward anymore. Thank you for making me realize that having a broken heart won't ruin my life or something, truly, thank you.

So, I'm going out tonight, to see a cover band with some friends at the Hilton. It will not suck, mainly because I will have an abundance of alcohol and people surrounding me. Who knows, maybe I'll dance drunkenly and fall over. Happens every time

Well anyway - Everyone have a good weekend. Those of you who happen to stumble in here and read my weekly meltdowns, well, y'all are good people.

2006-02-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

P.S.
<3

Sunshine?

2006-02-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't been all that much fun lately, I know.

When something gets in my way I huff and puff and cause a small storm. When old friends call and clearly want to reconcile - I tell them I am busy rather coldly and return to what I was doing. When people express concern, I am angry. When I get drunk - I cry and blubber on about inappropriate things. When someone pokes fun at me - I get sore about it.

But I'm not sorry, or ashamed of myself. I won't sit around and feel shitty for letting my emotions get the best of me. I'm not going to blame my parents for raising me the way they did, or my friends and enemies, or those who are both.. I'm just angry, and I'm letting the nature of who I am take its course. I'm pissed off and I won't pretend to be happy, or try to be giddy. I'll watch my sad movies and relate to the heart broken protagonist, I'll listen to all those shitty break up songs and feel really bad about myself. I will do it as long as I need to, because that is just what I do.

I won't reconcile with you Jessie, I won't and I've said it a million and one times. I don't care what you have to say anymore, or if you think I'm a good person, or if you need to know that I'm OK. I don't fucking care, not enough to have that inevitable conversation, you know, the one where we both talk about how stupid the fight was and then cry about it. We're not 15 anymore and I'm sick of all of it. I hope your wedding is better off without me in it.

So I'm angry - and I'll probably be that way for a while. Sooner or later I have to cheer up.. Right?

2006-02-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

I wrote you a letter. The kind that you never send. All the reasons I hate you, and I swear there was like, no end. I started the letter intent on getting it out and moving on, but the third sentence in the flood started. I never realized there were so many reasons to hate you. I cried a little, well not so much a cry as it was a gentle kind of release. The tears didn't blur my vision, they dropped from my lids at a slow sad pace. No sound but breathing, just a light, me, my notebook, and a pencil. I wish I could erase you as easily as I could erase this list. I wish I could have that year of my life back. I hate you because you are weak. It flows out of me like the gentle tears from my eyes. My breathing never changes, I never flinch. Still I sit and write this letter. I hate you because you told me you never loved me, and denied saying it but you said it so fuck you. Still I'm writing. This list, it's killing me inside. Confronting the reasons you're hurt is almost worse than actually being hurt. I hate you because you made me believe I wasn't good enough for you. More flooding in, I hesitate. I touch the tattoo on my back. It hurt? Yeah, but not this much.. I trace the parts that are sore. I hate you for believing anything I said in my drunken stupor. It's dark outside and the window's open. There's kind of a chill and I'm cold but I'm not covering up, I'm not moving from my spot, not until I have finished. I hate you for every single time you told me you love me. I hate you for every fucking time you said it, every god damn time it came out of your mouth, every time I believed you. There's more, there's much more, tears are still rolling down my cheeks. I could go on forever, but I won't, I can't. Bringing it up at all is not helping, there's no release in any of it. It just makes me angry, I am angry, I want you to be angry. I want to tell you all the reasons you should hate me, trust me there are plenty. Most of all - I hate you because I can't stop loving you.

Well..

2006-02-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

I didn't come here to bother you, I never planned to see your face. But since we're here ogether anyway, can't we stay here in this place?

Always

2006-01-31T10:24:00.000-08:00

A friend calls. This is nice, I haven't heard his voice in a while. We talk for a minute. Then he goes, "Dude say something". Oh great, the split second before she speaks I know it's her, and she says hi. Awkward? More like Unwelcome. I talk to him anyway, manage about a half an hour before the conversation ends. Why is she on the phone, I wonder? She is even sympathetic when I tell Him about my beloved cat's death months before. I can't stand it when you decide not to be friends with someone, and they come back in some kind of way a little later. It almost seemed like that was her way of weasling her way back in. Well guess what? I've lost any patience I ever had, any kind of respect I once held. At one time she truly was my best friend, the only one I could speak to, she listened. It does hurt still, those things don't ever go away. It hurts that I can't talk to her anymore, or cry with her when I really need to. Truth is, I made my attempts to make peace. She was never ready, she was never willing. It all started with that one boy, we both knew him. She was in love with him, he never loved her. The fact that me and him were friends, well, it was too much for her to handle, I guess. She dropped me like a bad habit. I never apoligized, because I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't hook up with him. I was just his friend. But she held her ground and so did I, and I will not apoligize for being his friend, never. But I did tell her that I missed her. She was never quite ready. I gave her time. And more time. And eventually I gave up. Even though we were talking at one point she still hated me, and I could see it in her face, hear it in her voice. And that is when I finally cut off and gave up forever.

Well I never was the perfect friend. I did my share of shitty things, but all of us do. I'm not sorry for being flawed, I'm sorry that in spite of your own flaws, you choose to make mine the ones who broke us apart. I'm sorry that you think so very low of yourself. I'm sorry that you let that boy make you feel like you were nothing. But the fact is that YOU LET HIM and it's your fault. And you know that, and I never lied to you about that. Maybe you just wanted me to tell you that it wasn't your fault. Maybe you just wanted a lie you could tuck away to comfort yourself when you really needed it. But that's never been who I am. So just go cry on Jessie's shoulder, although she's probably too busy thinking about herself to even notice.

Huntington Beach

2006-01-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

Beautiful sunset :)

Huntington Beach

2006-01-28T19:07:00.000-08:00

I had a nice time in California. <3<3

what's up lonely?

2006-01-20T12:18:00.000-08:00

Ooooh..

Blue..I’m gettin’ kinda close to you
Like a shadow I can’t lose, hey...
You’ve been hangin’ with me every day, now you’re gettin’ in the way.
I know you understand me, but don’t you think that maybe it’s time to move on?

What’s up lonely? seems you’re my only friend who wants to share my pain.
Tell me heartache, what’s it gonna take for you to leave me alone today?
Just when I think that you’re gone, you’re in the mirror looking back at me.
So, what’s up lonely?

Gotta go, gotta move on.
Gotta go, gotta move on, yeah yeah.

What’s up lonely? seems you’re my only baby (friend who)...wants to share my pain.
Tell me what’s it gonna take...

Oh Kelly Clarkson, you are just so sad, you know? Let's run away together, and be platonic best friends who maybe get drunk sometimes and make out and maybe go to second base every once in a while. And that song about your mom? Killed me a little inside when I heard it. I can totally relate, girl. My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with.. Gives me chills, I tell ya, CHILLS! But seriously Kelly Clarkson, can I call you Kelly Clarkson? Thanks, so seriously Kelly Clarkson. You are my idol. Not the American Idol, just my idol. If you ever get sick of being rich and adored and pampered, you know, the offer is still open to run away, if you ever change your mind. XOXO ~tara

Oh but I have these dreams, the kind you wake up from with tears in your eyes and a longing in your heart. He looks at me, looks at me like I always wished he would. Looks at me like he used to. I touch his face, crying, sobbing. I'm a fool, I'm the biggest fool but I lean in and put my forehead on his. And the tears run down my face, at least my makeup is still perfect. He's crying too, sobbing like a two year old and we sit there like that until the front of our clothes are drenched in tears and everything fades away except for the two of us. I know.. I know, ok? Good Bye, just.. good bye. It's too much now. Just stop popping up in my dreams, please. For my sanity stop showing up in my head when I'm driving towards the sunset with the windows down, no music, just lost in my jumbled beautiful thoughts. It's not all I think about, of course. But it's the only thing that I can feel.

I can't go through a single day without medication or I would have the worst crappiest anxiety. And it wears me down like I'm old, it makes me feel so old and tired. The light at the end of the tunnel, my friends.. Is that I know that this won't last forever, and that I'm letting this whole thing take its course. My life has been so complicated and sad lately. It's hard to actually pinpoint one thing that ACTUALLY put me on the medication. Really though, it's a combination of everything. All of it hit me at one time and knocked me straight on my ass. This was my rock bottom, you know? This is my chance to get back up again.

There are many that I miss, but not enough to make ammends. There are many that I loathe, but not enough to get rid of. There are many I need, but cannot ask. There are more that I don't, that try, anyway.

It started with you, but it ends with me. It will always be with me

To New Things

2006-01-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

Here's to the new year.

Here is to another year of everything.

Here's your chance to turn another year older, to learn just a little bit more about life. Here is your big chance to do the things you said you'd do last year but never got around to doing.

Here is to all of those rare moments you've tucked away, only for yourself. Those times you got away, just walked away and ended up somewhere beautiful. Here is to every single time you walked away and found yourself right in the middle of that time that maybe lasted a little too long, but you wound up wishing it lasted just .. that much longer..

Here's to all the moments you shut your mouth when you wished you said something, then you found that maybe shutting your mouth was the best idea, anyway. Here's to no regrets, to keeping quiet until you're not so pissed off anymore, here's to waiting until you see what's going on before you start talking.

And here's to loving someone, even if they never loved you. Because everyone needs something to wake up in the morning for, even if it hurts.
Happy new years

2006-01-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

Well, the doctor finally put me on a medication that keeps me halfway normal. I still think I need a bigger dosage, or something stronger. But this is OK until I can get myself back into his office.

I still feel like I'm drowning a bit, but not enough to make me quit. I'm moving on, well I'm trying to, and it's sort of working. I wish it would speed up, but I guess the whole point is that these things take time.

He called me one night, as I'm exiting the club, drunk. My rather unsuccessful attempt to drift away, all it really did was make me worse, I danced and I drank but all I felt was that overwhelming feeling of loss. I'm in the car (not driving), and my voicemail lights up. Check the message, it's him. Guess who needs a favor? I started to cry, in my drunken stupor I cried until I just couldn't. I cried on B's shoulder, I blubbered on and on about it, all of it. That was the first and only time I really just let it all out. And I gotta tell you, it helped a lot. So he calls again, and I ignore the call. I prepare myself for what I am going to say, let out the last of my tears and called back.

What the fuck could you possibly want from me right now?

Do you really hate me that much??

What the fuck...? Are you serious? What do you WANT me to say? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I SHOULD FEEL RIGHT NOW?? I owe you nothing, dude. I don't owe you any favors and I And you know what?? I AM MEDICATED BECAUSE OF YOU! I can't talk to you without having a fucking anxiety attack! I just want you to leave me alone! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME, IT'S MAKING ME SICK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!

..ok..

You know what? Just go fuck yourself, I don't care.

That was um.. the gist of the conversation. I remember yelling, I remember some of the things I said. I am sure there was more. I remember feeling really good about what I said, until I woke up the next morning. You did it, and you should be glad. But you're not, because you know that what you said last night means it really is the end. You know he gets the point.

I got a dog, I'm not sure why. I think it was to fill the void. I brought him home and could hardly even look at him. I had to give him to my aunt, I kept pushing him away from me. I never realized how much I missed my dog Dexter until I had to try and love another dog. Man that really hit me hard.

2005-12-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

I'm on medication for anxiety.

You broke up with me, and gave me that tired old line about how I'd never lose you. Almost as if you're sure that's what I want, to keep you around forever and ever. I'm not that deluded, I promise. All I've wanted to do was forget you, the last thing I expected was for you to try and talk to me again.

Then one morning I wake up to a message from..well.. you... and then you call me stupid for avoiding you. I thought it took two....

What you said to me hurt, and yes, you told me the truth. But only because I made you.. And who the fuck said telling the truth got you some magical free pass that says I can't be mad at you? SO WHAT, YOU TOLD THE TRUTH, BIG FUCKING DEAL! YOU'RE STILL AN ASSHOLE.

Truth is, I can't talk to you without having a freaking anxiety attack. Then you call me at one in the morning and deny it the next day. I can't take it anymore. I'm MEDICATED because of you. I need drugs to keep my eye from twitching, so that I can finally get some fucking SLEEP.

My god, I just wish I could get you out of my system. I just want some rest....

2005-11-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.

It could have been..

2005-11-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

It could have been different, you know?

We could have been friends forever.. I bet you wish you hadn't been so awful to me. I bet you wish I hadn't been so awful to you. I can't count the opportunities missed, I go to dial your number, that burst of renewal fresh on my face.. And then Just snap my phone shut when I remember all of the bad times. They keep this going, they keep it all fresh.
I don't want to be in your wedding..
Yes, I said that to hurt you. Yes, I meant it. We could still be friends, all it would take is a finish of the dial, all it takes to finish this is I'm Sorry. I wish I could tell you I'm sorry, I wish I could give you empty apologies and expect everything to be OK again. I think about changing my number just in case you think about calling me and squashing this. Because I am spiteful and would rather piss you off than make up with you. The truth is that I'm not sorry about anything I've done, and to tell you that I am would just be selling out. I'm not afraid of losing you, so good bye.

I could have made you happy.. I would have tried my damndest, anyway. I try not to remember you. You've been pushed to that spot in my mind reserved for broken chances and missed opportunities. Yeah, that one. Sometimes that spot gets so filled up that a few slip out into the front room, just to drive me insane. I wish I'd known then what I know now. Would it have changed my mind? No. I would have done the same thing. I could have possibly made you happy. I hear through the grapevine sometimes, things about you. You're happy, and I'm glad that you're happy, but there's always that tinge of hurt.. cause that could have been me, that feeling at the pit of your stomach.. that smile on your face.. But it will never ever be me.
I used to fall asleep on your arm, every weekend. And you watched me until I was finally gone. You kissed my forehead every time, even when you thought I was already asleep. A year goes by just like this and we're great friends.. and I finally let you win and I gave myself to you. Then my brother found out, and you tossed me aside like none of it mattered, like a year of friendship never happened. I'm sorry that you put your friendship on the line with him. I'm really sorry that he made you stop seeing me. He knew how important you were to me, I think. He always did take such delight in making me miserable. That look in your eye next time I saw you broke my heart, but I understood that when all is said and done, happy endings are only for movies. Good Bye.

I could have told you. I should have, but you already knew. You just wanted me to tell you the truth. I'm sorry. I was too chicken shit to come clean. I never wanted to hurt you, but you're an irrational bitch and I can't handle it anymore. Good Bye.

Decisions, regrets.. I could go on forever, right? We could all go on and on about the times we wish we could have done something, the times we should have but just didn't. It's time to say good bye to some people. There's nothing wrong with moving on..

They just want to dance

2005-11-22T11:31:00.000-08:00

I'm at the club, dancing. No cares, no worries.. No you. The beat picks up and the crowd goes wild. My legs might go at any second and holy shit I will never wear stiletto boots out dancing ever again. Throbbing pain, still dancing, still looking in that stranger's eyes. He's dancing to the beat, not well but it doesn't look like he notices or cares. Still dancing, turn around and face the crowd. That girl is stupid too, look at her boots, she must be dying right now. My eyes close in that slow drunk kind of motion and open again. still dancing, still hurting. The pain in my legs getting worse by the second. I'm still standing god damn it, I'm still standing and you can't take that away from me. I'll dance until I die, so fuck you. You don't hear me, nobody can. Even if I shouted nobody would know I had something to say. They just want to dance. The stranger grabs me inappropriately, I notice, but don't care. Turn around to face him, keep dancing, always dancing. It feels like someone is cutting through my calves with a hot butterknife. Still dancing, still moving. The beat drops to some slow moving anthem of the eighties, usually I'd be furious but tonight.. tonight it's wonderful. I sing it with B, we're loving this.. More drinks, need more drinks. Another round bartender.

Fuzzy. still dancing, still going on. Stranger's gone, it's just me and B. We're going crazy, still trying to forget. I'm trying to forget. It's not working, every step reminds me of you, every beat sends the pain through my body. I'd rather feel this than what I'm going to feel in the morning, when I realize you're gone again.

You'll never really completely lose me..

What exactly is that supposed to mean?

..I'm sorry Tara..

No you're fucking not.

Do you think this was easy for me?

Yes I think it was easy for you, I think it was the easiest god damned thing you've ever done in your entire fucking life. And I couldn't move, I broke out in a hot sweat, I got up and almost passed out. I stayed in bed for an entire day feeling sorry for myself. And then.. I got up and I said.. "Why?" Why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Nobody wants to hang out with that girl that blubbers on about how hurt she is and how her feelings are hurt. I danced, I got wild, I went home alone, but damn it I was ok. And no, I don't hate you, but I'm glad. I'm glad that for the first time in 8 months I don't have to worry about you or what you're doing. I feel free. Do you know what it feels like putting up with someone who's in a perpetual bad mood, no reassurance that it's not you? You said you never got my message, the one where I told you it's over. Maybe you wanted the satisfaction, maybe you didn't get the message. Either way, it's over and the things you said to me hurt. Your friends were rude to me, you were rude to me. At this point I would love nothing more than to tell you how much I hate you, but I won't. Because sooner or later, I'll feel absolutely nothing when I think of you. And actually it's already started. So have a good life, I really hope there's someone out there that can shut you the fuck up, if only for a minute.

Just leave me alone.

2005-11-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

I can't recall the moment. It wasn't like an avalanche, it didn't fall down and smother me in the last minute. I didn't slowly come to some life saving conclusion one day. I, like any normal person, knew the whole time. I won't deny it, it wasn't that I didn't know, it's that I knew but didn't care. And let me clarify, it's not that I didn't care per se, it's just that it didn't matter enough to drive me away. And it still isn't.

But what I hate, is when it happens, and you see that helpless girl bawling her eyes out.. Piss drunk screaming about how she should have seen in coming, she saw the warning signs..

That won't be me.

I always knew the risk, I've always been aware of what could happen. Of how he is, of the way he can be. I knew all of this, and it mattered, just not enough.

So I still don't really know what's going on right now, and I'm kind of OK just not knowing for now. But I gotta say, tonight, when I'm out at the bar.. If I start crying and blubbering about how I should have done this or that.. Somebody better fucking slap me.

2005-11-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

you had the potential to be, but not with me
actually i wasn't who you wanted to see

and i still want to keep you, though you don't want me to
now you're too scared to give me the truth

2005-11-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

You know, sorry to keep my whole stormcloud negative attitude going.. But I've not had a good week.

We're probably over. I'm not sure yet, well not 100% but pretty sure. Things have just gotten too.. muddy.. to deal with anymore.

Surprisingly, I am ok. Just grumpy. And I haven't cried yet, so maybe this is the best thing. Which is not to say that I will not have a complete breakdown at some point.. Maybe this is the extreme calm before the storm

I'm saving the real anger for when he comes clean.

2005-11-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

One thing that sucks about growing up christian, and then realizing you don't necessarily believe in any of it.. Is that at some crucially hard times in life, you have the desire to pray. To something, to ANYTHING that will listen. It's very confusing, as it doesn't make me believe any more that god is going to answer my prayer or that god even exists.. But somehow I believe that if I just ask for something not to happen it won't, that in some fucked up way my begging and pleading is somehow not going to fall upon deaf ears.

I guess what I'm really trying to say..

Please, please please don't do this to me again...

I thought............

2005-11-09T13:02:00.000-08:00

You wouldn't say it. Not out loud. People were around. Of course they were, you always hold it in when people are watching, don't you? It kills you, to even show the least bit of acknowledgement when I need to know something.

"I forgot what a pussy you are when other people are around."

He laughs..

I wince.

"Why can't you just tell me what you're so afraid of?"

"I have to go."

Today sucks, everybody.

You heard it here first.

True, true..

2005-11-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.

Rowland, Helen

2005-11-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

It was hard to leave you there, all by yourself, in the middle of nowhere. I just couldn't look at you anymore. Do you know how hard it is to watch someone waste away into absolutely nothing, knowing who they had the potential to be? Yes, you do, which is why you should understand why I did what I did.

The last time I saw you.. You were high off your ass. I'm not sure on what, well I didn't see you take it, but I've got a good idea. Do you remember all the times you fell into my arms crying when we were little girls.. because you didn't understand why your mother was an alcoholic drug addict? Because you didn't understand why it was more important than you? Sometimes I even wonder if you even recognize the fact that the same grandparents that raised you due to your mother's irrisponsibilities.. are the same ones raising your own son, and that you're a bitch for that. What happens when they're not around anymore?

You used to take care of your mother when she stumbled into the house, fucked out of her mind. You'd have to clean her up as she lay there in her own vomit. You put up with verbal and massive physical abuse from her boyfriends.

Why oh why are you following her footsteps? You used to say you were better than her. And I believed you, I did from the bottom of my heart, because you were the closest thing to a sister I've ever had. We would hop on our bikes and escape to the country, miles and miles of fields and the vast northern california nothingness all around. We would go there and sit sometimes, for hours.. These are the times I try and remember. If I'd known then what I know now.. I'm not sure if I'd have pushed you away or pulled you tighter to me. I could never have saved you though, I wish I could have. I couldn't even tell you how many times I've tried to tell myself that you'll get over this, that you're stronger than that.. But I know in my heart that you're not, and that I just have to accept it.

You snubbed me because I didn't let my past ruin me. You surrounded yourself with people that did.. You looked at me with my clothes and my car and my things.. and you thought me a snob. Your friends looked at me like I didn't belong, they looked at me like I was the one that thought I didn't belong. Funny how that happens though right? Cause I was the most comfortable person in that room that night, and I gotta tell you honey, looks are deceiving. Just because I look like a snob don't mean I am one. I worked to get where I am today, I made my mistakes and then I worked harder to get out of my shit. Because that's what people do. They don't spend the rest of their lives living on the government and blaming their mothers for fucking them up. Well, I guess they do, but they shouldn't.

I said goodbye that day, that last day. It kind of breaks your heart when you go to see someone that you haven't seen in a year and they won't wake up or even come to the door cause they're sleeping off the drugs. I said good bye and I meant it. And you know, for the rest of my life I'll feel like shit for abandoning you when you probably just needed someone to be a true friend.. Ultimately though, I just can't watch you waste away, it's too painful.

You're just too comfortable with being your mother. Having no responsibility for your actions must be pretty awesome, am I right?

A Picture Share!

2005-11-02T19:20:00.000-08:00

Fab! My new baby..

Really?

2005-10-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

My great uncle passed away last week.. He will be dearly missed by those who knew him. I grew up a block away from his house. When I saw him he said things like "Somebody's been taking ugly pills!" or "Well, you get stupider ever time I see you!" That sounds I guess worse than it is, haha. He was, you know, that uncle. You know, the one that was always a little insulting, but the most hilarious guy you'd ever meet. I think everyone has that uncle, yet it doesn't take away from his overall appeal. He was the guy that was always laughing about something, he was the little brother, he always got you cool shit on your birthday and christmas.. Uncle Butchy was one of the last of the older generation in my family. The rest? Gossips and Dickheads. Sorry, I was raised not to speak that way in regards to my elders, but that's what they are. Bitter old assholes who think the world owes them something.

Yesterday my mother, who was very broken up about losing her uncle, was talking to another family member. They were discussing how this younger generation has somehow 'lost' some things the older generations had. The tight bond, specifically. Pretty much blaming us for the family falling apart, talking about how we don't respect that bond.

What.The.Fuck. Grief makes people say some whacked out shit, I'll tell you what. Sure, it wasn't the fact that our parents moved us so far away from our families. And it just couldn't be the fact that every time we turned around, our parents were all trash talking each other. And you know what? It certainly wasn't the fact that, when the family was 'close knit' the older ones did nothing but rule your life and tell you what you were doing wrong. You hated that and moved away, and now you hate us for doing the things that we want to do.

Now someone dies and you completely forget that, when he was alive, dear mother, that you would go on and on about what a complete asshole your uncle was, and I would try and get you to see that you were being silly about the whole thing?

My generation? The wrong one? I seem to recall that my generation was the one who begged for you guys to stop being so cruel, so controlling, so greedy and manipulative. I can remember actually literally telling you that the reasons you pushed your uncle away were ridiculous and you yelled at me and told me to mind my own fucking business. Now he's passed away, and my generation is to blame. Yes, mother, we taught ourselves to squander away precious years with each other, we moved ourselves miles and miles away from that same family we single handedly broke apart, and you know what? We weren't even listening when you would sit for hours and praise what good people they were. But you know what? That never fucking happened. So shut up, just... seriously shut up.

Like, you know? I'm sorry for ranting on and on about this. But it really irritates me when our parents talk about how we have no respect and how we ruined everything. I'm 21 years old.. what the fuck did I ruin? You're going to completely disregard the years and years of parenting and all those precious values you contradicted on a daily basis?

When you sit there with a straight face and talk about what the younger generation has done to this family, in your eyes, I hope you know that, your precious god knows how full of shit you are.

But this, is in memory of my Great Uncle Butchy. I may have lost touch with you over the years, but I will always remember you fondly and with a grin. May our family grow up.

My So Called Life

2005-10-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

I couldn't stop thinking about it. The, like, fact that - that people - had sex. That they just *had* it, like sex was this thing people - *had*, like a rash. Or a - a Rottweiler. Everything started to seem like, pornographic or something. Like, Mrs. Krysanowski has sex. So does Mr. Katimsky. They both have sex. They could - have sex together. Like right now.

This has been a public service announcement.

2005-10-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

Listening to morning shows on the way to work has become my worst nightmare. How many times can you make the same "prank call" to Jose's taco shack to harass the poor man that can barely speak any english and ask him if they sell burgers? I mean, seriously, who thinks that shit is funny? It's like they employ all the kids from middle school that bugged the shit out of you, and you know who I'm talking about. That girl with bad hair, toting that Lisa Frank Trapper keeper binder well into the 8th grade, constantly proclaiming her love for all things Kittens and Puppies, and WTF leggings?!?! And then her dorky guy friend, with his too-tight courderoy pants, unbrushed hair, who smelled a little funny..

Yes Mark and Mercedes, I have uncovered your dirty little secrets. I hate you both. And I'll never understand why my school took them in as a Celebrity something or other for some kind of "spirit" awareness day. It was bad enough having to sit through terrible Swing dance performances, and our less than stellar Cheerleaders (is it too much to ask you to have a little bit of rhythm??).

But I don't get it, nobody knew who the hell they were. I mean, I did, because I listen to the station, because umm.. Ok yeah I like the music sometimes. Don't judge me. But seriously, they spent a whole mind numbing amount of time yesterday morning talking about cool things to give out to kids on halloween. Which sounds interesting in theory, right? Wrong. The whole thing was just wrong. It reminds me of that old SNL skit, with the really bland ladies that did that cooking show.

I need more CD's.

I remember

2005-10-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

I remember slow saturdays that seemed to last a lifetime. On the phone all day dramatizing life and laughing at things that seem trivial now, but were the absolute end all at the time. That anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach.. when is life going to start already? I remember my best friend, who was prettier than I. She looked older, had boobs, and got more attention. Jealousy is an ugly thing, but we grew and I realized I was pretty, too. And as all things grow, my best friend and I grew apart.

I remember bus rides to nowhere, for nothing in particular. Losing ourselves but never really getting lost. OK maybe a few times.. It was always an adventure, It was always something we did together. Us against everyone else. There were always things to do in the midst of the nothing that was happening in life. We were restless, we were messed up little girls, but most important we were together.

I remember the long excruciating walks, lasting long after the sun settled. The strangers we encountered, the devilish laughing.. The great escape from life.

I remember the feeling of seeing my best friend have sex with a boy I was smitten over, and having to pretend nothing was wrong. It tore me up inside, it stirred up all that jealousy that I had let go of.. I lost my virginity to him, and there she is, fucking him in front of me.

I remember what it felt like to realize that the people you love the most are always the people that know how to stick it to you, and do so with an incredibly selfish ease. But I knew then, that we were still messed up little girls, with messed up little problems, and that we needed each other.

I remember the day I realized nothing would ever be the same again. It was the day we went camping and she found herself in the arms of a man that was old enough to be her father.

That was the day I knew I'd lost you. I recall the moment, clear as day. I sit in the crisp cool breeze of morning, his friends sit around, gossip about the hook up with some kind of disgusting pride. I stare off into the beauty of the scenery, my heart sinking deep into my chest. I sigh.. and I guess I just kind of.. moved on.

Zombies, and so much more

2005-10-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Monday,

I know we've had our differences in the past, things haven't always been exactly sunshine and rainbows between us. I just wanted you to know, that in spite of our differences, I have grown to like you in a moderate kind of way. Also I've found a way to enjoy the way you startlingly wake me up at 7 AM faithfully every single week. There's something comfortable about the routine, you know? I've come to accept that no matter how early I get to bed Sunday night, there's absolutely no way I'm getting to sleep before 1 AM, even if I woke up at 9 that morning. No, Monday, I will not hate you any longer, because I feel that it is almost 'trendy' to hate you anymore. Better though, I shall celebrate you, dear Monday. I'm most tired of watching those zombie co-workers moping about, bitching about how they need coffee. But alas Monday! I have a solution!

Monday Morning of the Corporate Zombies
A real life videogame by Tara

FIVE POINT SHOT!
This dude needs some serious Starbucks, make it a triple shot, thanks!

All I need is a nerf gun and some foam arrows. Maybe some fake blood for the dramatic effect. Anyone who works with me, should be very, very scared. I've been known to do some dramatic shit to pass the time. And I have a personal beef with people who come into work every monday bitching about how they have to be at work. Shit get on welfare or something and spare me having to look you in the face and lie about how I care that you have to MAKE YOUR LIVING and actually WORK FOR IT.

Shit, it's not like I'd rather be here than on the beach livin it up sippin Corona all day or something. They don't call it 'work' because it's like going to the circus.

Did I mention that I'm not going to be bitchy on Monday anymore? No, ok just checking, I see, I'm just not going to HATE Monday anymore. Check, got it, remembered!

But umm.. In other news! I feel fabulous today, anyway! I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep, or the million scratches the kittens have given me.. but something's making my day all sunshine and flowers. I got up this morning ON TIME, gasp, yes, on time, I said it. I got dressed, and I didn't just opt for the comfortable pants and shirt.. And I did my makeup. AND I WAS EARLY TODAY! What's gotten up my ass? I don't know, but it feels GREAT!

Well, I've been getting up on time for the past two weeks, and getting ready. It really helps me to get the day going in a positive way when I get up and get ready, and do my makeup and all that jazz. Life has been looking up in a major way. Here's to trying to keep it that way.

D has been extra super specially good lately. Normally I'd be suspicious, but I don't want to ruin such a good thing ;) ha..! Nah, he's usually totally good to me, I tend to overreact sometimes when he's grumpy or whatever. But in my defense, when he broke up with me, and told me that he didn't care about me, he had been acting very distant and grumpy with me, and telling me everything was ok. It just kind of brings me back to that moment, you know? I get so scared that I'll lose him again, I've never been scared of losing a guy before. Usually I was more scared of what would happen if they stayed. True story!

Ok I'm hungry now

80's Slang, and more!

2005-09-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

80's Slang - a closer look
Damn Sam! I've never been a big fan of anything 80's.. Except maybe the movies, I had this major 80's angsty movie binge in my teen years. There's something about the bad acting and stupid clothes, and great storylines. All else should be forgotten and/or burned. However, upon further inspection, the above line is click worthy, if only for nostalgia's sake.

The cliques of the 80's

Oh Yeah and, this is why I love 80's movies. The cliques and bad stereotypes! Bitchin!

Bonus 80's Movie stuffs!

OK so I've picked out my very hot outfit for halloween. I usually don't get that into it or dress up. Actually I do get WAY into decorating. Last year you could hardly walk by my cubicle without being assaulted by a spider web or some dangly object. I don't know how many times I almost fell off the ladder and died while trying to hang something from the ceiling. It's all for a good cause, though, my distraction. I'm contemplating though, bringing in a bucket of candy this year. Last year I brought in a ton of candy, and the ladies all came over to take some, and whined about how I was messing up their diet. Yes, I'm shoving candy in your mouth and messing up your diet. I know they're joking, but god you can only hear the same complaint so many times from so many diff people before you want to tell them to come up with their own material. I'm voting against the candy though, now that I think about it, cause it'll mess up MY diet.

But anyway, I'll be dressing up as a fallen angel. I know it's pretty cliche, but I see so many women try this outfit, and terribly fail. I'm going to do it the right way, and look fabulous. It's something I've always wanted to dress as at halloween. And this being my first halloween where I can go out and have a blast at the Club, I want to go all out. I've pieced together a bunch of things that will go together via the internet. You know, it really is much cheaper to piece the outfit together, and if you have any real sense, it looks better, too.

Junk Feud

I have a new addiction, Junk Feud. Chick's funny as heck!

And Then....

2005-09-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Was just thinking about how much I like the band Hole..

Shut up, I hear you
Only miles away
I never trusted you
I only want to stay
The only rape I know
Is happening so true
The only rape I know
Is happening to you-Hole
<3

I talked to my father the other day. That's always been the one relationship I can never quite define or figure out. I cannot figure out from day to day whether or not I really like him. Part of my problem is that my mother can never quite figure it out, either. Either one day she likes him and has good things to say, or another he's satan and .. I don't really know. I guess it's all of the above. I hate him for things he's done, and does. But then again, I don't. I don't know, I really wish I could just form an opinion already. Maybe I'm just giving him a chance to redeem himself before I completely cut him out. Cause god only knows, he'd deserve it if I did.

Chris is coming to visit November 4.. Man I'm so geeked about it! I miss him a lot. We got really close before he left, I mean, we still are.. But it's nice to have the people that truly love and respect you around you. I'd send any number of my friends back to cali if I could just get my brother back! We're going to finally go out on the town together, now that I am officially old enough to tear shit up! I've heard of the legend of my brother's partying.. I have a lot of practice to do if I want to keep up. Seriously.

Not much on other fronts.. peaceful.

This time, with feeling..!

2005-09-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

The interview at the hospital went great. I just have a couple of Red Tape type things to get through before I can start. First I need to get tested for TB, since, god knows I haven't been tested since Junior High. I think I'm likely to pass, considering umm.. yeah, I should pass. ha. I have to get a background check, which again, I should pass. Then again this is my life, and things have been known to pop up unexpectedly, and crush my little dreams one by one in an excruciating manner. OK that's dramatic, but I stand by my statement. Last thing I need is to go to orientation, which goes through job duties, and emergency evacuation plans, etc.. The exciting thing, is that I get to work in the nursery one night a week, which is cool because.. babies kind of scare me. I've never been really big on them, or taking care of them.. This should be an interesting and sometimes hilarious experience. My only concern is the doting grandmothers. Cause I certainly know how my own mother would be if it was my child.. Oh god what have I done..????

Things on the D front are fab-oo as well. I got a message from him yesterday.. but it was the first day of my stupid period and I'm always likely to try and take off his head on such a day.. So I waited until today to answer his call......... but things are great. He was at his aunt's house this weekend and left his phone at his parent's.. I'm glad I didn't freak out lol.. He tends to get wrapped up in the family when he's with them. They tend to suck up all his time. Which is fine with me, I'd rather it be his aunt than some hot girl that isn't say.. ME. It kind of pleases me too that he's so into his family. It means a lot to me that he goes out of his way to spend time with his little cousins and his parents.. I guess cause it tells me that if we ever decide to have our own family he'll be .. what's the word.. AROUND..!

OH AND! counting down the days til our 6 month!! Only 8 days and counting. I don't know what to get him..... I have to HAVE to save money for my vacation, and various bills. I have to buy my plane ticket next weekend..

SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!

Things that make you feel dumb

2005-09-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have my interview at Valley hospital today, actually I leave in about half an hour. Until then I'm just killing time, so here's what's been on my mind:

- I forgot how much I fight with my mother. sigh..! Oh well, maybe I should just let her shoot of her mouth. I can't do that, though. It goes against my nature to shut up. I try though, I really do. I love her, but I forgot how completely evil and self-centered she can be. Let's see how it goes!

- I didn't talk to D all weekend. He pressed the ignore button on me once, and did not return any texts or calls. I'm not mad, although I probably should be. He's at his parents for his school break, and it could be anything. If it is something bad, I guess I'll deal with that when it comes around. Learning to deal with imperfection has been a huge, HUGE thing for me. Friends, family, etc.. I kind of tend to hold them to a standard that maybe is too harsh, and unforgiving. Maybe I expect too much, or maybe I just know how I deserve to be treated. The harsh reality though, is that nobody will ever reach and exceed my expectations. But when it comes to D, anything I thought I knew about relationships is completely out the window. I freaked out for a while there, thinking he was going to leave me, or that he didn't want me anymore. I had these episodes where I just couldn't take it anymore.. But I've learned to handle it for the most part. After all, I've given him plenty of opportunities to leave, and he's stuck around. Most of all, I trust him. I forgot that, for a bit, how much I really trust him. He's a friend, as well as the guy I'll probably marry.

- I've been working out at home. I feel this will be more successful than going to the gym. I hate going to the gym! First you have to get dressed, then drive all the way, then you have to check in, with an employee who looks like mr. hard body, and adding insult to injury, you have to work out with a room full of people who you feel are looking at you going "i look better than her". It's too much pressure, I tell you!! OK most of it's in my mind, but I really feel that working out in the privacy of my own home will be more effective. Aside from long walks with Reno, or heading to the treadmill at the apartment's gym, I've gotten myself into quite the routine. Here's to getting hot!

Well.. I better grab something to eat, and head out to the interview. I hope I don't get rejected for a VOLUNTEER position! LOL that would suck!

Smooches!

2005-09-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

Puckering up for all my peeps!

Enough!

2005-09-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

OK so I'm done, for now, with the depressing sad things that have been happening with D and myself. I love him too much to keep torturing myself about the whole thing. It's hard sometimes, I've never been in love, and have trouble trying to figure it all out. This is the first relationship to pass the 1 month mark, and we're about to hit 6 months :)

That's gotta tell you something, or at least that he has a high tolerance for my insane ramblings on, or maybe he just likes my rack, in which case, I'd still think he was adorable.

So I'm all moved in and comfy in the new place. I'm super comforted to be back with mom. Being away from her for a year and a half was a very good thing for me, I gained some much needed independance, and grew up a lot. But I'm glad to have her back, I missed her. It was really hard for me to feel like I was "at home" in my apartment. Family really does make a home, I realize that now. It's just something you hear a lot, shoved down your throat almost since you were born. But it's true, however cliche it is, it's true. I also missed shannon, and I almost forgot how happy Mom and her are together. It amazes me, to see two people who love each other so much, after all that time. It's like they were truly made for each other. I hope to have that one day.. I hope me and D can be like that when we're old. Sometimes I wonder how a society can try and keep those two, who are more pure and beautiful than most STRAIGHT people I know, from getting married. They're happier than ANY straight couple I've ever met, and I would 100% back that up if ever questioned.

You grow up seeing people, miserable together, parents fighting. When the parents divorce you watch the step-people fighting. It's insane, television shows show cheaters, books, movies.. It's like this big sign that nobody can ever just be happy with each other, everybody is always looking for something better, bigger, younger, prettier, quieter.. Nobody can ever look at what they have and say "Hey, I have it pretty good.." And when they do, it's too late. Life is not Dawson's Creek, at least it shouldn't be. I guess I should take my own advice (hehe <3 you D).

Life has been somewhat quiet, I like the new place. It's peaceful, and I love walking Reno around the neighborhood. It's good for both of us. Walking him is a good way to reflect, it's something I stopped doing a long time ago. I've let things bring me down for way too long, it was a long, sad depression. But I hit the bottom of it, and am coming back to normal Tara. I guess everybody goes through it every once in a while.

I sent in my application to start volunteering at the hospital, which I think will do me wonders. Volunteer work always makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that has meaning, rather than sitting on my ass at home, watching Laguna Beach in my undies with a bowl of EasyMac. Please, don't judge. Which reminds me, Laguna Beach, new episode tonight. Gawd, it's so sad that I wait for these new episodes to air.

Sex-ay Poses..?

2005-09-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

Watch me try the "sexy" look.
And fail.
But my hair is fab, IMO.

Too much fun with Mobile Blogger!

Me!

2005-09-11T13:26:00.000-07:00

I figured it out! Now the pictures I take with my cell phone will go to my blog. What a cool fuckin feature

Something sad

2005-09-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

There's something tragic when you start to convince yourself something is over. I'm sorry, it's redundant, it's ridiculous of me to speak of it anymore.

There's just something excruciatingly heartbreaking when you have a problem, and the person you're looking to for reassurance gives you none. There's something pathetic about looking up internet quizzes to try and convince yourself there's an answer. There's something unnerving about asking your friend the same question over and over to no avail, no answer, no real solution. I have become the poster child for screwed up girlfriends.

It's so hard not to cry.

So hard.

2005-09-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to get into the apartment. I'm so stressed out, I feel like I have no place to go, sleeping on the floor with a few blankets to cushion me. I guess I could be a lot worse off. But tomorrow, I will be happy, even though I have to move all of my stuff AGAIN. Moving exhausts me, mentally and physically. Change sometimes feels like it sucks the life out of me. Even though I crave it, and it fills some kind of urge.. It still stresses me out, and not having a place to live for a week, has really been exhausting. I really just hate sleeping on the floor. My back hates my guts.

I'm never going to be happy with anything, which is really sad. It's never enough, and I'm not sure if it's cause I ask for too much or just cause he's not willing to give what I want. I'm not even sure what I want. I guess I feel like things are getting a little dull, and maybe he's getting a little bored. I always feel like I'm not good enough, even though I know how he feels. It kills me inside because I keep preparing for him to leave me, I keep just waiting for it. It's almost like I want him to break my heart. I think when I was brokenhearted I felt like I was most like myself, I hurt for so long that I don't know how to be happy. I always have to find something to break my heart. He's not going to do that, I know he's not. He keeps proving that, over and over again, after all of the things we go through he never leaves, he sticks it out, he sees it through. God, my eyes are tearing up.. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let myself be happy anymore? Why have I gotten into this funk, why have I pushed everyone away from me, why do I bottle everything up deep inside and explode for no reason?

Why can't I just let go?

Slipping

2005-09-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

you're slipping so far away
we never thought about it
nobody tried to warn us
now just look where we sit
you're looking away again
and i never asked for this
stop the tears from rolling down
we celebrate long gone bliss

I feel like shit lately. I can't explain why, or what's wrong. Hopefully I can write it out of my brain. That happens a lot, all I have to do is start writing, and it all flows out. I've always had troubles just *thinking* or talking about what's really wrong with me. I don't want to go anywhere anymore, or do anything. I just want to stay inside and do nothing. I noticed that when people call me I just kind of.. zone in and out, and I'm not the crazy airhead I normally am. I feel like screaming all the time for the smallest things. I just feel numb and defeated. Like I need a vacation, a mental vacation.

The Fight that ruled them all

2005-09-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

We will forever argue about this, you know. I bitch that you don't call enough, and you bitch that I don't call you -at all-.

But that's just how I am. I guess that means I'm a hypocrite, and that I expect too much in that respect. And I know that, and you know that.

Dead Kittens: Round 2

2005-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

I am constantly at war, picking up dead kittens. Searching for them, and then throwing them in the dumpster. Why the fuck is my cat such a slut? And why the hell do her kittens keep biting it? Now there's one I just can't seem to find -at all-.

Stupid Jessie. Why do you think the whole entire world revolves around you? Why must you lash out at me every time I take a break from you, tell me I just don't *care* about you or your wedding, and then go on to tell me that being MY friend is a chore? And then tell me I make everything about myself.. Oh christ, I can't even stand it anymore. I can't even put into words how ridiculous you are sometimes. Especially when you called, blubbering your dumb ass off.. I don't know Jess, you make it about you every time I call and go on and on and on about yourself.. You're just getting really ridiculous right now, and it needs to stop. Heinous bitch.

I myself am not perfect. I am irrational at times, bitchy, too honest, not honest enough, unpredictable.. I could go on. I'm ok with that, and I generally embrace the crazy irrational parts of people as well. But she has to stop blaming me about shit every time our friendship has a problem, instead of looking at the issue I'm trying to address. All I did was let her know what was up, and all of the sudden I'm a selfish cunt for no reason at all. She ended up retracting her statement about me not caring, but eventually ended up hanging up on me when I tried to get her to explain how exactly I make everything about myself. She just starts screaming at me and then hangs up the phone.

Yeah, real mature. Fucking idiot. When you can't explain yourself, you have no grounds for anything. Everyone knows that.

Calm Down

2005-08-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

It breaks my heart to hear you like that, and to know that you'll never tell me why you feel that way. People pour their hearts out to me all the time, people trust me with this stuff, they seek me out..

But you don't. You don't want me to see that part of you, I guess. You don't trust that I'll understand. Sometimes, I get the feeling that you don't see who I really am, and that breaks my heart, too. I guess everyone sees people in a different way..

I only wish there was a way I could make it all better for you

Stop..?

2005-08-18T16:47:00.000-07:00

Stop getting "comfortable"
I don't like it
You've started doing all the things women bitch about
Like not doing the things you did when this started
There's a good reason women bitch about this
I don't want you to be comfortable
I want you to keep trying
You think you've got me forever already?
It's only been like 6 months
I guess that's a long time
Especially for me
But I still don't like it

So.. I dunno.. Just stop acting like you have to stop doing anything nice for me. Also, you're just generally pissing me off lately. But I'm still fine, as long as you realize I still exist *cough*

I guess

Horoscope

2005-08-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

You could do the same old thing -- or you could have some fun and do something completely different. Or maybe even go someplace different. Why eat pizza when you could do Ethiopian and meet someone foreign?

Does that seem a little.. I don't know.. Pretentious to anyone else but me? Maybe I'm still a little bit pissy today. I don't want to go to a new restaurant, what if I'm just comfortable with pizza for now? And secondly, I haven't even had pizza in quite a while. Thirdly, I try new things all the time. Not a day goes by that I open up that little horoscope email and I think to myself, "I wish the person that wrote this would shove their nose up my ass crack and then die a slow horrible death" Then again I'm a big raging flaming bitch all the time so it all depends on my daily midol intake.

I bought D season 1 of that 70's show. I like getting him stuff, I love spoiling him. Something that's really funny about that, is that when I used to talk to Donald, he would get mad at me cause I never went out of my way to buy him anything. Cause all of the other girls he talked to did, and he made me fully aware of that. And he would bitch at me for buying things for myself and not thinking about him when I went out. I would laugh at him, of course. But that whole charade lasted a lot longer than it should have. Hey, he was a smooth talker, what could I say. I thought he was overall an OK guy. Blaxican was none the wiser, either. But yeah, I like to do things for D, cause he doesn't ask me to do them, and he's just too adorable when I do things for him. I think what I'll do, is when he gets the DVD set, is pop it in the DVD player, and give him head while the show plays. I'm the best girlfriend ever, I already know it. So does D, hopefully.

My birthday, is soon. And not to be a princess or anything..? But D better do something really fuggin cute. Actually, I don't care if that makes me look like a princess. I am a princess, fuck you all.

Actually, I just hope he doesn't FORGET IT ENTIRELY. I'd probably break up with him if he did. Cause he asked me last week, just to be sure, what day it was on. And I told him. And he better have written it down, cause if he didn't I'm gonna kick his ass from here til my next birthday. I don't even care if he doesn't get me a super cool present or do something super sweet, I just hope he remembers. I'm an easy to please girlfriend, I don't ask for much, just that you remember. And GOD DAMN IT YOU BETTER.

2005-08-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I broke up with Danny on saturday.

Why?

Because he ignored me for about a week so that - and listen very carefully here - he could play fucking WARCRAFT. Normally I'm not the girlfriend that gets bitchy when I don't get every ounce of his attention. I don't go out of my way to find things wrong with him, I'd say I'm pretty fugging understanding most of the time.

But that was the thing that got under my skin so bad I broke things off. A whole week, where I have to wonder what you're doing. I'm thinking you don't want to talk to me, or worse, that you're fucking someone else. So I mean, naturally, after enough of this dodging and weaving you've been doing.. I'm pissed. Give me a break, it's what I thought you wanted anyway.

The worst part about the whole fuggin situation is that he still doesn't really understand why I'm mad. I mean, he understands the fact that I am mad, just not the reasoning behind it. Like he wouldn't be mad if every time he wanted to talk to me I would suddenly vanish, because something more important came up, like the fact that I had to suck someone else's cock. Hey, Sorry Guy! Priorities, You Understand! I mean, he really has gone as far as to say that I only brought it up to him, and broke up with him, and wanted to start fights with him so that I could get his *cough* ATTENTION.

No, I was not trying to snatch his attention. I was trying to break up with him for a reason I felt was valid. And then, after he insisted that we didn't break up, I tried to address the issue. Just because I decide to stay with him doesn't mean that I'm just going to ignore the issue. It doesn't work that way. So I decided to work it out.

I'm literally still in shock that he even said that I was just trying to get his attention. Is it that hard to believe that anyone will ever have a valid excuse to think you're a dick? Are you really that sure of yourself that you would basically call me a dumb little girl and explaining my actions to make you look like the victim? All I could really say to him was "Danny, you must think I'm a complete idiot. You must think I sit here day in and day out thinking of ways to make yo miserable. My purpose in this life is not to continue to think of reasons to be mad at you.. I hate being mad and fighting with you." So he says, "For someone who doesn't like being upset you are an awful lot." What else could I say? I sat there for a good minute, jaw agape, eyes glazed over. He starts going into this tirade about how he's right and I'm wrong. I just put the phone down on my bed, walked into my dark livingroom, and sat there with no light or TV for a good ten minutes. I could still vaguely hear his voice coming in from my phone for a few minutes, but I waited a few minutes after it stopped just to be safe. He always complains that I hang up on him when I'm mad. So technically I didn't do anything wrong.

So I call back a few minutes later.. "Are you done bitching at the air?" He goes, "What?" I say, "I put the phone down, I wasn't listening to anything you said. I invite you to repeat yourself though, cause I think now I'm ready to hear what you have to say." He sounded defeated, and simply said, "I don't remember." Yeah, that's what I thought. He's really lucky that I wasn't listening, cause honestly I probably would have broken up with him again and for good this time. He really just thinks I'm doing this because I'm upset that he's not spending enough time with me. I mean, I guess you could say that's what's going on.. But a week of being ignored only to be called a little baby when I get mad?

Fuck that. I wonder if he realizes how many other boys would kill to be in his fugging spot right now. I also can't help but wonder if he understands that I won't put up with that bullshit anymore.

2005-08-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't have to force myself to cry, the feeling took me over completely and I had no choice but to fall to the ground sobbing. It feels a lot like rain today, I can see the clouds above briefly in between my broken sobs while I wipe my eyes. I can't see you at all anymore, your outline has vanished, and soon even the clouds begin to fade away.

I'm curled up into a little ball right now. I wish I had never met you, I wish I didn't still feel like I needed to reach you. Something inside tells me that it will happen one day, I'll reach you if I keep at it.

I want you to find me. I wanted you to try for once, I needed to see that you were in this with me. I can't see you but I can hear you, calling me to you. You're calling me babe, but why is it that I have to be the one to find you? Why can't you help me, meet me half way. So I don't know anymore, I don't know if I want to keep torturing myself to get to you. All I ever do anymore is worry.

Don't Look Down

2005-07-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

I sauntered in your direction, seemingly confident, keeping my pace consistent. I look at your face but never in your eyes. If I look into your eyes I could explode.. So my eyes dart from spot to spot on your face, your perfect little face. It's only perfect to me, or I wouldn't be here. I would never be here if I didn't believe that this was it. You know that, and you stand there, slouching slightly. I'm sure you're looking at me, aware that I cannot look you in the eye. I can feel your eyes trying to lock in on mine.. But I'm not ready. Still I keep my pace, I'm getting there, Ok? You're starting to fidget, you can't take it anymore.. But you're standing still while I'm walking to you. Why are you standing there?

You're afraid. I can't look into your eyes, but I can see you biting your lip, I can see the way your face is twisting into a look of worry and doubt.

Seeing your doubt my stride begins to quiver. I stumble a little and look at my feet, looking down I find myself unable to look back up at you for a moment. When I finally look back up I find that I've lost my way a little bit, I can still see you but I've gotten off the trail. I start to panic, because if I stumble again, surely I will lose you. Surely you will walk away if I step off the path again, if I stumble again and look away I will have lost you forever.

So I do the only thing I know how to do right now, which is cry. The world is now foggier than it's ever been and I can only see a vague outline of where I think you're standing. But I am determined, I need to reach you.

So I keep on, at my unsteady pace, wavering, stumbling a little bit but never looking down. Always looking at you, through the fog, through the tears.

Why does it feel like you're never getting any closer?

2005-07-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

It feels very muddy. Like I'm stuck in a vast field of thick mud, trying to get to the other side. Slowly I dredge along, not getting any stronger with each step, nor am I weaker. Just constantly in this state of nothingness. The edge never seems to get any closer, I stay deep within the middle. When I realize that I'm not getting anywhere every so often I fall to the ground and cry, until I am exhausted.. And then I get restless, so I get up and start walking again. Still in the same spot. Forever in the same spot. My head is getting tired. My body is fine, it keeps this up, it keeps this charade up. You're never going to get to the edge, you're never getting out of here. But my head is exhausted. Just stop it already, stop trying. Just let it be, and the muddiness will just go away, stop making yourself crazy all the time. Stop it, just rest, let yourself rest.

Stop worrying about every fucking thing in the world. Stop worrying about Danny, just stop it. Stop worrying about him. If he's going to fuck up he's going to fuck up, and he'll be gone. Part of me knows this, but most of me is worried. If he fucks up, it's going to HURT. I feel like every day I have the same doubts, the same worries. And I'm not getting anywhere. I try to look past but I can't, I think things might be over. I'm not really sure. But when I talk to him, it gets worse. I don't think it's going to get better this time. Things are getting very cold, and distant again. And he's acting like nothing is wrong AGAIN. But I can't do that again. I can almost guarantee this is about to be over. All I have to do is take the step it takes to cut the chord..

I don't know. I feel very sad right now, that's all I really know.

Happy

2005-07-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

Time for a happy post.

I'm happy. I know it seems like I'm not sometimes, I know I complain sometimes like I'm not.. But I genuinely am. D makes me so happy, I feel like I'm gonna burst sometimes. Like, WOW, I never knew anyone else could make me feel so good. We have our problems, but I genuinely love him and think we can work through them. Even if we can't, God, he's my first love.. and you can't ever take that away. Even if it doesn't work out I'm grateful that he's opened my eyes to something so beautiful.

I love you Danny :)

Sheryl Crow

2005-07-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

Somebody said you gotta get away
To wanna go back home again
I left my universe standing there
Holding the hand of my best friend

I wrote a letter that I never mailed
I rehearsed a dialogue in my head
In case you ever wanted to track me down
I'll take my cell phone to bed

And it's laughter that I hear when I close my eyes
And it's one more punchline I forgot to learn
I call you up when my bottle's dry
I'm on my way to crash and burn

2005-07-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

It happened again today. I woke up and I smiled. You were on my mind again. I brushed my teeth, grinning, I sauntered to my car, switching my hips merrily along my way. I even came into work smiling. I managed to keep smiling even though the world around me seems to be getting worse. In spite of everything in my life, I am happy.

Until you open your fucking mouth. Just stop it already. It's not my fault you woke up late and missed your exam. Stop acting like that. Calling me a whiner is not going to fucking make anything better, either. So, you say something rude, and when I counter it with something, I'm a whiner. I love how your brilliant thought process works D, I love how when you do something it's OK, but when I do it, I'm a fucking whiner

2005-07-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

There's always that shadow that follows me wherever I go. There's always doubt in my mind when I think about you. Even when I'm happy I'm not in some way.

But it's getting worse every day, and I keep telling you, and you keep ignoring it. You like to pretend that problems don't exist, and if you don't talk about it that it will magically go away and not bother you anymore. I can't make one comment about anything that's bothering me or you will just shut up. If I persue things from that point, we get into a huge fight. I have to say, I'm not happy with this aspect of us at all. And you know that I'm not. So in the future when I dump your ass because we can't work through anything, I don't want to hear how "out of the blue" it is. Cause I can see this coming. I can see the trainwreck that's going to happen soon.

You're losing me, plain and simple. I'm trying really hard to keep it together like everything is ok, but this morning really did me in. I told you that I was worried and you said nothing. I told you I know you don't like to hear it, and you said "You're right." And I said "yeah kind of like how I don't like being bitched at to go to the emergency room" and you said "yeah but I was right" so I said "Yeah, obviously I am too or you wouldn't have decided to cut down" You drink too much. So yeah, I called you a drunk when we fought.. and maybe even before that when we weren't, and maybe again and again. But it's because I'm genuinely worried that you drink too much. I've even said that, too.

So when you told me you decided to cut down yesterday because you drink too much I was thrilled. But when I tried to say anything you didn't want to hear it.

So, I'm not sure if I should be thrilled that you cut down, or mad that you're such an ass when I try to say anything. I'm almost positive you're cutting down because of me. Because to be honest, I mention your drinking more than I probably should. Maybe I make you feel like a failure. But I don't think you're a failure, I think you're wonderful, but you drink too much and I don't want to lose you because you're a sloppy stupid drunk.

I don't want to be with an asshole drunk. You don't know what it does to me when you get particularly drunk, and cuss me out. It makes me feel weak and stupid for putting up with you. Even though I defend myself I still feel like I lose a piece of myself every time I let you get away with it. I mean, you haven't picked any fights with me lately, you haven't cussed at me while you were drunk in a while, so that's ok, cause I think you realized you shouldn't do it.

My point is that you can't go one night without drinking or else you can't sleep and feel like shit until you have a beer.

I don't know. I don't know what to think.

2005-07-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to park by Jeff's car just cause I know it pisses him off when people park by his car. Fuck him, anyway.

Other times I like to just sit back and think about how superior I am to people. And when I say people I mean Jeff.

Mostly, I don't give a shit about Jeff, he just pissed me off Monday with his fucking no can do attitude. Fuck you, I don't need your help if you're just going to make my job harder. HELP MY ASS!

Let's just call it what it really is, ok? Looking busy for our supervisor until you get some of your own work to do. Also, let's just say that you're a major cunt that needs to be kicked in the nuts until you apologize for being born.

heh..

2005-07-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

Part Free Love Kisser

Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience
Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot!
It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move.
And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating!

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

2005-07-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am irritated again.

God you piss me off sometimes. FUCK

And by the way.. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD AND I DON'T CARE WHY I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD.

2005-07-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

I finally feel like things are going to be OK with us now. You've been so .. perfect. I can't even believe it, but it's true, and you're mine :)

I hate being sappy and cute about stuff most of the time, but right now it's just oozing out of me. You make me so fugging happy, I smile for no reason at all except that you cross my mind.

Stop me before I start giggling..!

2005-07-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

I guess the thing that nobody ever told me, was that every day is going to be a challenge. I guess somebody forgot to tell me that there would never be a day where there wouldn't be a problem, or something new to work through. Sometimes you make me want to pull my hair out and kiss you all at the same time.

I guess it's my fault, for never taking the time to try before. I always just threw them away before it ever got to a point where a real problem could arise. For that I am sorry, because now I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a 15 year old girl all over again at some points. Awkward, angsty.. Just everything I tried to stay away from all this time. All at once, I have to sit here and just take it.

Cause I dunno, maybe you're worth it. I'm still not sure, I don't know what I want from you. But I do love you. I just don't like this, I don't like the seriousness of it all, I don't like wondering what you're thinking/feeling, because normally I wouldn't care. But this time I do care, and that bugs me a whole fucking lot.

This can't be entertaining for you, either. There has to be something that bothers you, but you won't tell me what it is. Maybe it's nothing, but so help me.. if you don't follow through with your promises, you will be gone. I mean it, you will go away and I will be sad, but I will be fine. Just as fine a fucking pie. Do you understand that? I can live without you, and if you want to pull that same shit on me again I will move on just fine.

There's nothing you can do to me that hasn't been done before, there's no feeling you can provoke that can match the things I've felt before. There's nothing you can say that can shock me. But at least you cried when I told you how I felt, and that meant a lot, because it means you were hurt, too. And I don't want you to hurt, but I also needed to know that you're not a heartless dick.

2005-07-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the anxiety won't go away. I'm still afraid of those little words, the ones that broke me in half before. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it gets wound up so tightly I have to try so hard just not to cry, or yell at you. And it's partly your fault, partly mine.

I've never felt like this before, it's hard.

Sooo.....

2005-07-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

Love is the decision that you would rather be with someone and deal with their games, than to be without them altogether. I will not complain, because it is my choice to stay with you in spite of everything that says we shouldn't. My love is real, I feel it, it hurts, but most of all.. My love is secure. I realize that you cannot save me from myself, and the same goes for you. I am honest about our love, I do not lie to you about it, and although at times it falters a little, it picks itself back up and keeps going. I am first your friend, and more than that, but mostly your friend. I am here for you as you should be here for me. We will grow, we will change, and perhaps we will grow apart. Never lose that fear that I will be gone, for without it you will slip up, and you will have lost me. Most of all, realize that I cannot ever love you more than I love myself.

Neurosis

2005-07-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

Neurotic?
Fuck you.

And by the way?
You like it.

Just go..

2005-06-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't plead, or whine or cry.. or even beg for you to stay. All I did was make you admit you didn't need me, so that I could move on, so that I could go on with my crazy little life in my crazy little world.

I don't think that you realize how selfish you're being right now. I don't think you realize what this does to me, because I can't walk away from you, I won't even try, and you DO know that.

Jessie

2005-06-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Jessie never understood what happened, she didn't know how someone could just fall out of love. I'm not sure how it happened, I woke up that morning and it hit me. I could not stay in that apartment with her any longer. So as she slept I grabbed my porn, clothes, dog, and I left. Just like that. No blowout, no argument, nothing.

I took one last long look at her, trying one last time to feel something. I really tried, and it hurt that I couldn't even muster up enough feeling for Jessie to squeeze out one little tear. But that's how it was, I didn't love her anymore, and it was over. How could I look at her face and tell her that?

Some people would say that I am a coward, and they're entitled to that. The reality is that if I hadn't left that morning it would have been much worse. I could not be that guy that stayed in the relationship unhappy, just because I didn't want to hurt her. If I hadn't left when I did, I would have looked into those big blue eyes, and I would have stayed.

I would have grown cold, she would have clung to me tighter, and I would have eventually ended up hating her.

So I took the easy way out, I left with no word, and I started over.

The next week was filled with sobbing voicemails, and text messages. "Why did you leave?" Went unanswered. I laughed it off and went back to working on sweet little Tiffany out of her tube top.

I wasn't trying to fuck the pain away, I just wanted to fuck her brains out.

Jessie never understood how two wonderful years could go by, and abruptly end. I'm not going to short change Jessie, she was the greatest girl I ever knew, and I loved her dearly. But just like that, it's gone. I mean, what can you do? I don't understand, and I don't think I want to.

I fell in love with Jessie the first time she sucked me off; she went to town and just like that, I fucking exploded I couldn't control myself. Is it possible to not fall in love with someone who can do that? The last six months of our relationship she got sloppy, and i had to start finishing myself off. So maybe I stopped loving Jessie because she stopped properly sucking my dick. I just don't know, it could be anything.

I was on top of sweet little Tiffany when I looked at the clock. As the clock turned 12:13 AM I came, I exploded, I jerked and flew back. The last time I had an orgasm that intense, was the first time Jessie sucked me off.

When I was called into the coroner's office to identify the pieces of Jessie's face that survived the gunshot I remained calm. Suicide. Jessie committed suicide. They placed the time of death at approximately 12:10-12:15 AM. I knew exactly when Jessie died, and I didn't need to look at the shattered pieces of her face to know it was her laying there. Even in death she had a great set of tits.

Hurt me!

2005-06-27T14:32:00.000-07:00

"i like rainy weather too"
"ya i know you do"

Of course you do, why does that surprise me.. every time you remember something? And it hurts me. It hurts me that you remember little stupid things about me, little bits of information that nobody ever bothered to remember before. But you know, you know them all, and you don't hide that you know. Every day I talk to you and you make it hurt that much more in one way, and that much less in another.

Am I kidding myself?

Sadly, I think that I am.

Off my chest, into oblivion

2005-06-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

OK, so I held on when I knew it wouldn't work.

I didn't love you, I don't love you, I don't know what it was, maybe I just wanted you to love me. I thought this would be more painful than it is. It hurts a little bit, and then it goes away, then it comes back. But I'm ok, after we talked today, I'm ok. Because you finally admitted the thing that I already knew. Why was that so hard? It was what I needed to hear, so that I could move along with no bumps in the road. Because that's what I'm doing, moving on, in fact, I was moving on before you even told me.

But the thing I'll never tell you, the thing that you'll die never knowing, is that while you were doing what you were doing, I was doing you wrong. Not all the time, but I lied to you. But I'll let you seem like the bad guy here, because I'd rather not be that one. I don't want to be the one that fucked everything up, even though you kind of did anyway.

Even though we're still friends, I'm going to miss you, nobody ever cared about me the way you did.

Bye......

2005-06-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

so you said it
cause i made you
and it's ok cause
i don't love you
i thought i could
i thought i did
but all of that
gone with the wind
i did some things
and i'm not proud
but i won't tell
or say out loud
cause you're the one
that plays the jerk
i won't admit
it never worked

Tragedy, Failure, and Disappointment.. A closer look

2005-06-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to explain how much this hurts.

Tragedy;

It's a tragedy that you aren't who I thought you were. It's a tragedy that you couldn't come up with a better excuse. Mostly though, it's tragic that it had to come to this at all. I put a lot of hope, a lot of faith into you. The day I lost my faith in you was much like the day I realized that god doesn't exist. Because I realized that you would never be what I need you to be, which is honest with me. How can you believe in something that lies to you?

Failure;

You are a failure to me. You failed me, just like my father. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't have issues because of my father, because I do. And I knew it then just like I know it now, but you are just like him. And I'm sorry that I wasted my time on you. I'm sorry that my personal failure in this case was ignoring the warning signs. Mostly, I'm sorry for believing in you. I'm sorry that I failed to run away like I always do. I'm sorry that I care about you, because this is going to be really hard to deal with. This is going to hurt really bad, it already does.

Disappointment;

You. Every day there was you.. Every day I was consumed with you, you were always around, talking to me. No matter what. What happened to that? I'm disappointed, because you set me up. You made me believe that you'd always be there, and now you're not. You are the worst kind of disappointment to me, because I should have never have grown so attached to you. I should have never gotten that deep in with you. I have disappointed myself again. I will go home tonight, like nothing is wrong, take a shower like nothing is wrong, watch TV like nothing is wrong, and then fall asleep, crying.

There are no more chances, no more opportunities for me to feel this way again. The last time this happened it took me three years, only to find you. And this is perhaps worse than the last time. Do you know how many times I promised myself that I'd never let myself get into this situation again? Do you know how many nights I've tossed and turned in my bed because I was so hurt?

So then, what the fuck do you think I'm going to do this time? Cause I'd sure as hell like to know, too.