I can't help feeling like I'm going to be abandoned at any second. It's why it takes me so long to let anyone get close. I have to be sure. But you can never be sure, it's the chance you take no matter how many precautions you are careful to follow.
If I read this blog and wasn't me I'd assume that Tara was one batshit insane bitch. Truth is, I guess I am. But the tara that writes her heart out is not the tara that anyone else sees. She is funny, confident, and sarcastic. She always has a witty comeback and goes into situations with confidence. She tells people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear, without being a total bitch about it. She doesn't show too much emotion, not even when her heart is broken. I spend my life trying to live up to this image i've made for myself. Most of it is me, some of it is a front. Everyone puts up a front, nobody is above living up to expectations from yourself or others. It's the way life goes.
I smile and laugh and joke, and all I want to do sometimes is crawl back into bed and never come out. It's hard out there, I don't want to keep this up forever. Where is the payoff? What am I busting my ass for? Why do I retreat back into this place every time I am doing something positive with myself? I'm going back to school and working full time. Both are full time, it's so hard that sometimes I come home so exhausted that I can't sleep. You have to bust your ass for anything in this life worth having. The path of less resistance is full of mine fields.. Why is love so hard? Why are relationships so hard? I have great, wonderful friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm so good with people, so why are my relationships so muddy?
and why doesn't knowing the answer to that make it any better?
the past year has been full of changing, and wonderful things. I stopped my anxiety medication, I went back to school, I got out of that job that was making me miserable.. On paper, I'm the happiest bitch on the planet. And really, I am happy, more than I have been since I can even remember..
But why can't I just get love right, for once?
If I read this blog and wasn't me I'd assume that Tara was one batshit insane bitch. Truth is, I guess I am. But the tara that writes her heart out is not the tara that anyone else sees. She is funny, confident, and sarcastic. She always has a witty comeback and goes into situations with confidence. She tells people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear, without being a total bitch about it. She doesn't show too much emotion, not even when her heart is broken. I spend my life trying to live up to this image i've made for myself. Most of it is me, some of it is a front. Everyone puts up a front, nobody is above living up to expectations from yourself or others. It's the way life goes.
I smile and laugh and joke, and all I want to do sometimes is crawl back into bed and never come out. It's hard out there, I don't want to keep this up forever. Where is the payoff? What am I busting my ass for? Why do I retreat back into this place every time I am doing something positive with myself? I'm going back to school and working full time. Both are full time, it's so hard that sometimes I come home so exhausted that I can't sleep. You have to bust your ass for anything in this life worth having. The path of less resistance is full of mine fields.. Why is love so hard? Why are relationships so hard? I have great, wonderful friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm so good with people, so why are my relationships so muddy?
and why doesn't knowing the answer to that make it any better?
the past year has been full of changing, and wonderful things. I stopped my anxiety medication, I went back to school, I got out of that job that was making me miserable.. On paper, I'm the happiest bitch on the planet. And really, I am happy, more than I have been since I can even remember..
But why can't I just get love right, for once?
posted by tara at 12:25 AM
1 Comments:
Sometimes, love is the hardest thing to comprehend. It's unpredictable and it's also blinding to your own senses. Tara, I know what you are talking about. A fascade to everyone around you. It's hard. Sometimes I wish *I* were brave enough to put it all down but in the end, I'm just a chicken aren't I? I sit aorund, afraid of what people will say and what people will think. Sometimes I wonder whether people will still like me if they knew what I was like. Recently, I opened my heart up to someone. I love him. I'm afraid of being hurt. But will I regret it in the end? No. Because he showed me that it's possible for me to let go of this mask. I just have to be brave and take risks.
I'm gonna keep reading this, Tara.
Please read my blog too. www.alexissong-aus.blogspot.com
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