I've been afraid to write these things down. Scared of confronting them with more than just a brief thought and a pat on the back.

Dad,
I'm not angry with you anymore. I don't regret our last conversation, or my decision to leave you out of my life. There is a sickening sadness inside of me that wishes we could have resolved things better - but it's time to move on with my life. I can fix things without you, and being angry with you will never allow me to move forward with my life. I told you that I hope you die alone - those were my last words to you. You probably will.

Mom,
I've lived my whole life to make sure you were ok. Please don't put me in the position I'm really close to being in. Please get your shit together so I'm not stuck taking care of you forever.

L,
Last year, god last year was awful. You cheated on me with - lord only knows how many women. I wasn't your only girlfriend. I took care of you when your world fell apart around you. I watched you tear your life apart piece by piece and I was fucking THERE for you. I didn't give up on you, you gave up on yourself. Once that is done there's nothing I can do, I had to let you go. I still miss you. I hope you realize all of those awful things you said about me weren't true. I hope you're OK.

M,
I'm not that 16 year old girl with stars in her eyes anymore. You don't know me, you don't love me. You love the idea of me in your head. I wonder why you can't let me go? You chose her, so stay with her ("she" has been someone else every time). How many times have you broken my heart? I lost count too long ago. The layers of our relationship are like a thick, juicy onion. It makes me weep.

B,
"If I loved you, could I leave you here?"
Those words haunt me. Late at night just before sleep. I glance at the spot I was in when you said it. I don't know if you said that to try to make it easier for me to let go - or if you meant it. And I don't know which one would hurt more. Everything I do has an element of you in it. Maybe because it's so recent, so fresh. I wish I had never met you, I mean that with every ounce of sincerity in my body. I always knew you'd leave this city, I just didn't think you'd leave me. I can only hope you remember me and wince, and feel deep regret. This is my city B, you never wanted to be here, you got what you wanted. Now get out of my head.

D,
I've written a million things about you and us. You gotta let it go, I did. I'm sorry, deeply.

Me,
Stop breaking your own heart. Let go of the things that are causing you too much pain. Remember that pain is necessary but you can't let it eat you from the inside out. Stop getting so discouraged on a whim. Keep pushing through with school, with love, with life. Be free! Remember what it's like to drive in the car with the windows down and the music blaring, speeding down the freeway. It's nobody's fault but your own when you're angry, people can do things you do, they can do terrible things to you Tara but you have to let it all go. You are in charge of your feelings, no matter how out of control you feel sometimes. Fall in love again, do it a million times! And if that's not enough, do it a million more. You never did anything wrong, it wasn't your fault, you were always good enough for them, for all of them. They knew it too, they didn't want you to know it. Now that you've realized what you are worth don't let anyone push you into any corners or make you feel that way again. Never wonder what you could have done, who you could have been, how you could have saved things. You couldn't, and now it's time to leave it all behind. Never forget your past, but don't let it keep you from moving forward. Keep moving forward.

every time, it's the same thing. i am hurting and you do it on purpose.. i guess i do it to myself. i can't keep doing this. i feel so lost right now. please end. oh god please just end

you can't blink away tears that aren't coming, or hold in a sob that's not there. crying doesn't come easy sometimes, and it sure don't come cheap.

YOU.CHEATED.ON.ME.

YOU DID IT! And I'm sitting here, broken hearted, unable to even cry about it. And not only did you cheat on me, you beat it into my fucking head that you didn't trust me. Time after time you went on and on with these jealous tirades, you kicked and screamed just to let me know you thought I was unfaithful.

Your drinking, your jealousy, and overall paranoia have taken their toll on me. You gave me the ultimate diss and I feel like my heart has dropped on the floor frozen, and shattered into a million tiny little pieces.

I am better than you. Let's make that crystal clear. I deserve so much more than you gave me.

But if one more fucking person SMUGLY tells me "I KNEW IT.." I will punch them in the god damn face. That's just a fucking kick to the gut to say shit like that to someone when they are down. Fuck you all.

I don't get it..

Why is it that every person with a bigoted or biased opinion thinks it's my obligation to respect their opinions? I don't get it. You hear it all the time, people say, "You should respect my opinions." and go off on some tangent about the first amendment or some other completely other useless excuse of a reason.

Do you know who else has the right to form an opinion? Child molestors, murderers, cult leaders, KKK members, Nazis, etc. So before you go off on some tirade and tell everybody that you have a RIGHT to think and say whatever you want, essentially, you do. But that doesn't mean that I or anyone else has to sit there and stomach your bullshit and feign "respect".

I respect opinions that differ from my own, I mean, it's simple. I have a great deal of respect for people who can give me a thought out, intelligent response to a question or opinion of my own. People that just throw out opinions on things that they have no real knowledge about are the ones that really just get under my skin. So let's go ahead and throw shit to a wall and see what sticks! That's what that feels like to me.

So telling me something like "gays shouldn't get married", and not backing up your statement with a fucking solid bit of information? Well that's just not acceptable. And then throwing a fit when I tell you that I don't respect your opinion? That's just fucking childish. Respect is earned, not handed out like a fucking Participation ribbon at the science fair. I will not coddle you and pretend that you're a smart and useful person if you can sit there and not respect other people's rights and then DEMAND my respect for your bigotry.

It's not enough that you can just think of something and state it as truth! It's not, and it never will be!

I can't help feeling like I'm going to be abandoned at any second. It's why it takes me so long to let anyone get close. I have to be sure. But you can never be sure, it's the chance you take no matter how many precautions you are careful to follow.

If I read this blog and wasn't me I'd assume that Tara was one batshit insane bitch. Truth is, I guess I am. But the tara that writes her heart out is not the tara that anyone else sees. She is funny, confident, and sarcastic. She always has a witty comeback and goes into situations with confidence. She tells people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear, without being a total bitch about it. She doesn't show too much emotion, not even when her heart is broken. I spend my life trying to live up to this image i've made for myself. Most of it is me, some of it is a front. Everyone puts up a front, nobody is above living up to expectations from yourself or others. It's the way life goes.

I smile and laugh and joke, and all I want to do sometimes is crawl back into bed and never come out. It's hard out there, I don't want to keep this up forever. Where is the payoff? What am I busting my ass for? Why do I retreat back into this place every time I am doing something positive with myself? I'm going back to school and working full time. Both are full time, it's so hard that sometimes I come home so exhausted that I can't sleep. You have to bust your ass for anything in this life worth having. The path of less resistance is full of mine fields.. Why is love so hard? Why are relationships so hard? I have great, wonderful friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm so good with people, so why are my relationships so muddy?

and why doesn't knowing the answer to that make it any better?

the past year has been full of changing, and wonderful things. I stopped my anxiety medication, I went back to school, I got out of that job that was making me miserable.. On paper, I'm the happiest bitch on the planet. And really, I am happy, more than I have been since I can even remember..

But why can't I just get love right, for once?

Yesterday.. I felt nothing.



Today, I feel everything.



Denial.

It can't be over. It just fucking can't. Over that? Are you serious? This is just a big joke, you'll show up at my door, crying. you'll be sorry. you'll do something. you will, you will, you will.



You won't...



Bargaining.

If I take a risk, do something, anything, you'll come back. Or I'll be ok. Or maybe I'll stop crying when nobody is looking. Or maybe it might just not have happened. What can I do?



Nothing.



Anger.

You asshole. After everything I've put up with, for a year, you can do this? Just leave me standing there, dumbfounded, tears rolling down my cheeks.. And you break up with me with a text message. I'm not worth more than a text message to you? You can't tell me with your own mouth. The minute I give in to your constant stubborn shit and fall in love with you YOU CANNOT HANDLE IT. There are so many things I'm angry about right now, get out of my head, stay away from my dreams. Stop violating everything I do, the most intimate of moments is invaded by you and the vision of your face sets me off into a deep, deep rage.



Despair.
The desperation clings to me. I'm trying, so so so hard not to want you back right now. You lit me up inside. I'm dizzy, I can't eat, sleep, or think straight. I'd give anything for that to not have happened, for us to be ok again. Pure and utter sadness has engulfed me right now. I'm smiling, and laughing, and all I want right now is to punch a wall, sleep it off, have a drink. But I can't, I can't because that's not me. I will get through this, I will and I've been through worse. Yeah it sucks but I have to suck it up and smile.

Acceptance.
I changed my phone number. Just in case you change your mind. I could never tell you to leave me alone, so I'm going to make sure I don't have to. I'd move if I could, just to erase any shadow of doubt in my mind. It's over and I am moving on, I feel like shit. I hate starting over. I feel like I'm constantly picking up the pieces of my broken heart and putting it back together just to hand it to another clumsy asshole. I hope you know how I feel threefold, I hope you're hurting really badly right now. I know of a million ways to make it harder on you, too. But I'm going to leave it alone, I'm going to leave you alone. Getting back at you will not make me better, it won't make me stronger.

another sad walk down heartbreak lane. you told me that it's over. the shelf life of a relationship with tara has gone up to a year, at least. what was it this time? i gave your friend my number, your best friend. innocent. so that we could be friends, so i could be part of your world. he hits on me, so i tell you. and you let me go. all because i couldn't go another minute without telling you the truth. i didn't hit on him, i never would.

i'm sorry that you feel that way. but once you realize i'm really gone, you're going to regret that decision.